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Anthony’s NotesA personal field guide
From the notebook

How to Stay in Touch

Chrystina Noel Cappello

Misc/Documents/How to Stay in Touch-1757128249407.jpg

Summary

Common myths and excuses that prevent people from staying in touch include:

  • Feeling guilty because it’s been a long time
  • Not being sure what to say
  • Worrying about not keeping up with others’ lives
  • Thinking there isn’t enough time

To overcome these barriers and proactively stay connected:

  1. Make a list of friends to keep in touch with. Track important dates like birthdays. Have their contact info readily available.
  2. Utilize multiple methods to reach out:
    • Phone calls while walking/commuting
    • Emails
    • Social media interactions
    • Snail mail cards/letters for special occasions
    • Care packages
    • Pen pal exchanges
    • Hosting parties/potlucks
    • Surveys to catch up
    • Video calls
    • Meeting up for meals
  3. Start or join groups to stay connected, like:
    • Group texts/email chains
    • Book clubs
    • Newsletters sharing life updates
    • Clubs around shared hobbies
  4. Do activities together, even at a distance:
    • Take an online class
    • Double date
    • Plan trips to visit each other
    • Attend each other’s events
    • Watch shows/movies simultaneously
  5. Show you care in little ways:
    • Send articles, memes, songs that remind you of them
    • Ask for a recipe, offer a ride
    • Say thank you
  6. Be proactive about making plans. Set standing dates to connect. Don’t get deterred if scheduling is hard. Start simple and find a rhythm that works.

Additional tips from other sources:

  • Leverage apps designed for meeting new friends
  • Volunteer to meet like-minded people
  • Connect with coworkers outside of work
  • Introduce yourself to neighbors
  • Participate in community events
  • Ask existing friends for introductions to their other friends
  • Join online communities around your interests

The keys are being intentional about nurturing relationships, taking initiative to reach out regularly in ways big and small, and creating shared experiences even when you can’t be together in person. Staying connected takes effort but is well worth it for the rewards of lasting friendships.

Highlights

Busting Five “Why Not to Stay in Touch” Myths (Location 134)

They feel guilty because it’s been so long. (Location 138)

There’s always a way to break the ice after it’s been a while; my personal style is rambling until it’s not awkward anymore, but maybe yours is telling a joke, telling it like it is, or the never-failing “did you catch the game last night?” (Location 149)

They aren’t sure what to say. (Location 152)

It’s not about what you say, it’s about the effort you put forth to say it. (Location 153)

What does life look like for you these days? How do you spend your time these days? What is your day-to-day like? What are you most excited about right now? (Location 158)

They aren’t sure how to say what they want to say. (Location 162)

“How to Write a Condolence Note” by Joanna at A Cup of Jo. (Location 173)

They’re worried they haven’t kept up with the Joneses. (Location 174)

There isn’t enough time. (Location 192)

Looking at Logistics (Location 246)

Keep a list. (Location 273)

Separate from my “friend quality time” list, I have made a networking list. This helps me not to confuse acquaintances, networking connections, and friends. (Location 282)

Associate certain people with certain things. (Location 284)

If your best friend from college is a huge football fan, text him when the game comes on - or ask if he wants to watch the game together. If your aunt bakes great apple pie, text her when you see apples in the grocery store and start to think about her pie, send her a card with apples on it, or reach out for the recipe. (Location 286)

Get all the details out of the way before you start. (Location 292)

Track down your friends’ email addresses, phone numbers, and physical addresses. (Hint: Keep these all physically written in the same place and write down the date you got the address so you will know if it may be outdated when you go to use it. I use Google Contacts for this.) •    Put the important dates on the calendar including birthdays, anniversaries, and work milestones. (Hint: Keep a list of all the weddings you have attended, too, and then you will in turn have a list of all your friends’ anniversaries.) (Location 296)

Ideas to Make it Happen (Location 306)

  1. Make a phone call (Location 310)

walking to and from places in the city. (Location 312)

  1. Send an email (Location 320)

  2. Utilize social media (Location 330)

  3. Create a group (Location 364)

Start a group text, Facebook group, or email chain with friends from the same group. (Location 365)

  1. Send snail mail (Location 371)

snail mail can pack a bigger punch. (Location 373)

Send a card (Location 401)

And if you still don’t see a reason to send a greeting card, consider the following ten no-reason reasons to send a card: If you know somebody who finally quit their job. If you met somebody really cool that you hit it off with and would like to stay in touch with, why not send them a card to solidify the friendship? If you noticed somebody was having a great hair day and wanted to let them know. If you know they’re going on vacation soon and want to kick it off with an additional reason to smile (or tell them how jealous you are). If you’ve got a new movie or song recommendation for a friend, why not make a card themed with that band’s photos and lyrics? If you have extra stickers and want to share them with somebody. If there’s a memory you think of often and want to share it with the person who inspired it. If you have a grandparent. (That’s it, that’s all the reason you need really.) If it’s finally getting warm outside. That’s reason in itself to celebrate.                      If you keep playing phone-tag with someone, you can send them a tongue-in-cheek letter about having to resort to snail mail to stay in touch with them. (Location 415)

Send a postcard (Location 435)

Send a birthday card (Location 448)

Send a care package (Location 457)

Putting together a box of fun items would surely brighten anyone’s day. (Location 461)

Be someone’s pen pal (Location 462)

  1. Bake cookies (Location 467)

  2. Host a party (Location 474)

But if you’re more of a go-big-or-go-home kind of person, consider hosting a murder mystery party, wine and cheese party, a Gatsby-themed party, or cook a five-course meal with wine pairings for your favorite people. (Location 483)

  1. Invite people over for a potluck (Location 485)

  2. Send out a survey (Location 496)

  3. Have a Video Call (Location 526)

  4. Have a meal together (Location 538)

12.  Start (or read) a blog (Location 552)

  1. Start a newsletter (Location 564)

Travel: Have you gone anywhere fun? Are you going to go anywhere fun? Do you need any travel recommendations? Is there anything you’re specifically nervous or excited about? Family: How’s the family doing? I’m always surprised how this consistently comes up in conversation with people, so I just go ahead and include it. Any exciting milestones or traditions coming up? Future Life Stuff: This usually includes things about getting a new pet, moving, buying houses, getting cars, getting engaged, getting married or being so utterly confused about what you want to do with your life that you really have no idea where to start. Career Stuff: How do you feel day-to-day at your job? What do you actually do at your job every day? (It’s wild how many people have no idea what anyone actually does.) Have you hit any milestones? Any surprises there? Anything you need suggestions about? Hobbies & Projects: Are you working on anything cool? Do you want to be working on anything cool? Are you crowdfunding your most recent idea? Have you literally had not a free second to breathe so all of your hobbies are on the backburner? Wellbeing: This might seem weird, but I always like to think about what I’m doing to take care of myself right now and include that as well. Have you found a new work out class? Is your new journaling hobby really helping you out? Did you recently start going to church again? Are you just so grateful to have 5 free minutes in the bathroom to scroll Instagram? Content: What are you watching right now? What are you reading? What are you listening to? I always think it’s fun to see who’s taking in the same content as you - and then you know who to text when the plots start to get wild! (Location 569)

Day-to-Day: This might sound mundane, but I always like to try to give people a picture into what the day-to-day looks like because this is what they would see if we saw each other more often. Are you in back-to-back meetings all day? Are you spending all day talking to toddlers and would do anything for some adult conversation? Have you been so busy you haven’t seen your partner in a week? Have you gotten a new puppy so your whole day is about keeping him off the furniture? It’s probably the most relatable part of the newsletter. (Location 587)

  1. Hang out and do nothing (Location 594)

  2. Take a class together (Location 601)

  3. Double date (Location 608)

  4. Ask for a favor (Location 613)

  5. Say Thank You (Location 618)

Here are some of my favorite tips for writing thank you notes: •    Say thank you and why you’re thankful •    Mention a personal interaction •    Talk about seeing that person in the future •    Thank the person for being awesome one more time (No, literally, “Thank you for being awesome.”) •    Add a fun (and unexpected!) PS at the end (Location 628)

  1. Ask for a recipe (Location 637)

  2. Plan a trip to visit someone (Location 649)

  3. Plan a group trip together with your friends (Location 657)

  4. Invite people to visit (Location 665)

  5. Go to one of your friend’s events (Location 676)

  6. Ask for a ride / offer a ride (Location 685)

  7. Buy a magical pair of pants (Location 694)

  8. Start a club (Location 704)

  9. Go on a walk around the neighborhood (Location 711)

  10. Run an errand (Location 714)

  11. Watch a show together (Location 723)

Getting Started (Location 729)

  1. Don’t get deterred. (Location 732)

  2. Start simple. (Location 737)

If you haven’t talked to somebody in a long time but want to reconnect, start with the simple questions. How are you? How are things going? What’s new and exciting? There’s no need to complicate things. If the responses you get aren’t as detailed as you’d hoped, you have the opportunity to set the example when they respond “nm, u?”. Mention the vacation you’re planning, the new trick your dog just learned, or your new favorite ice cream flavor. And if the conversation doesn’t seem to be moving, see tip 1. (Location 738)

  1. Find the timing that works best for you. (Location 743)

  2. Know when it’s time to stop trying. (Location 748)

Friend Forward podcast. (Location 753)

Here are some other resources I recommend exploring for further thoughts on friendship: The Friend Forward Podcast by Danielle Johnson Science of People YouTube channel by Vanessa Van Edwards The Art of Gathering, by Priya Parker Platonic, by Dr. Marisa G. Franco Text Me When You Get Home, by Kayleen Schafer MWF Seeking BFF, by Rachel Bertsche Big Friendship, by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman (Location 755)