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Becoming a parent can be daunting … terrifying, in fact. This is especially true for dads. Where’s the road map? Well, you’re looking at it. This book from the editors of Fatherly, the largest digital brand for dads, is a one-stop source for fathers-to-be, empowering them to be the best parent they can be—with both confidence and joy. New fathers grapple with both practical and existential questions: Is my baby supposed to do that? How do I afford to make my family thrive? How does swaddling work again? Who am I, and what kind of dad will I become? Fatherhood is here to answer all of these questions and more. This comprehensive guide walks fathers through everything they need to know—practically, emotionally, and philosophically—over the course of the first year of a baby’s life. The content is divided by developmental stage: Pregnancy up to birth Infancy (the first 500 days) Toddlerhood (days 500 to 1,000) By offering data, anecdotes, and expert-driven analysis, the authors prep dads for what’s ahead, letting them know they’re not alone on their journey. Fatherhood is the book every father and father-to-be needs.

Highlights

Fatherhood is only a state of being in that it’s the act of being who you are. Because the fact is that the person you are before you have a kid will not be appreciably different than the person you are after you have a kid. And that person is the template your kid will use to learn how to live in the world. So becoming a good father is about knowing yourself and leveraging all that’s good in you toward raising someone who knows better than you. That’s love. (Location 294)
There’s no ideal equation for a balanced life—being woke doesn’t change that—but there is a perfect formula for unhappiness: hypocrisy. Men who want to put their kids first but don’t wind up suffering for their sins. The consequences are very real and keenly felt. (Location 435)
Children were more likely to show behavioral problems if their fathers were overly involved psychologically in their careers. This tends to occur when overinvolvement manifests itself as what Stewart Friedman calls “cognitive interference.” The most common form of cognitive interference? “Techno-interference.”9 This is what is known in common parlance as failing to put down the fucking phone. (Location 438)
Bear down and deal with being present for your kid. (Location 456)
What babies need, more than even a place to poop and sleep, is an emotionally stable environment. (Location 472)
it suggests that men and women can avoid conflicts by making an effort to actively avoid conflicts. They just need to understand when those conflicts are mostly likely to arise so that they can operate from a shared premise. They need to have what every functional business has and what many dysfunctional families do not: a value proposition and some clear goals. The only way to get there is to talk. (Location 492)
Appreciation and affection, commitment, positive communication, enjoyable time together, spiritual well-being, and successful management of stress and crisis. (Location 509)
Appreciation can be understood as giving someone the time they need to complete tasks, keeping promises, and saying thank you (yes, to the children too). (Location 515)
enjoyable time together means appreciating family rituals, sharing laughter, and having gratitude for a home everyone can return to. (Location 522)
They will share a sense of peace, hopefulness, security, and safety even if those feelings aren’t connected to a deity that holds the keys to their common salvation. (Location 537)
The strongest families do so with an understanding that, together, they can get through anything. They believe they have a support network that will see them through, both among themselves and with friends, and that every crisis offers a chance to learn and become stronger. They are resilient because they bend rather than break and find some good even in the darkest times. (Location 542)
International Family Strength Model, (Location 556)
Appreciation and affection. Commitment to the family. Positive communication. Enjoyable time together. Spiritual well-being. Successful management of stress and crisis. (Location 557)
How will we divide home tasks during paternity leave, and maybe after? How will we divide feedings and nighttime duties? Is there a way we can agree to split diaper duty? Are there certain chores we’d prefer to take on? Are there chores we hate? How can we divide these equitably? How will we divide administrative tasks like scheduling doctors, researching day care, paying bills, or managing bank accounts? (Location 590)
What does faith mean to us personally? Are we spiritual or are we religious? Are we practicing our faith or are our observances strictly cultural? What cultural or religious traditions are most important to us? Are there rituals and rites that are obligatory to be a part of our religious community? Are there traditions that we can agree to leave up to our children when they are old enough to decide on their own? (Location 601)
key to consistent discipline is to have built rules that are connected to values. So when a kid inevitably asks “Why?” the answer isn’t “Because I said so”; it’s “Because that’s what this family stands for.” (Location 623)
In fact, discipline is not effective until children have learned that other people have thoughts and ideas that are different from their own, which doesn’t occur until four years old. (Location 626)
Can we agree on a boundary now that we will put in place from day one? Can we abide by that boundary if it’s applied evenly to everyone in the family, including adults? Are there boundaries we fundamentally disagree on? When boundaries are broken, what should the consequences be? Is corporal punishment consistent with the moral boundaries that we agree on? How did the consequences we experienced as children affect us as adults? How do we feel about time-outs? Grounding? Talking it out with a child? What are the discipline strategies we’ve seen or read about that we’d like to try? (Location 628)
OUR MISSION [Your Notes] The s are a/an family who believe that their time together is best spent ing, ing, and ing. Our job is to grow together and support one another through hardship and good times with and Beyond our home, we treat others with and so that our family members are a valuable and active part of our neighborhood and community. (Location 674)
A cesarean section, or C-section, is a surgical delivery of a baby through the uterine and abdominal wall. It can either be an emergency procedure done when there are signs of fetal distress during delivery or be an elective scheduled procedure. Either way it’s done, mothers generally require more recovery time. For fathers, that means more time with the newborn and some crucial skin-to-skin contact. Cesarean sections are weirdly controversial, particularly in “natural birth” circles, but they also give men a ton of infant time up-front. (Location 812)
presence of a doula leads to more successful birth outcomes is that they provide continuous labor support. (Location 1339)
Postpartum doulas are able to provide support after your baby arrives. (Location 1364)
Babies are more easily soothed if held on their sides or positioned so there is pressure against their bellies. Researchers aren’t totally sure why but hypothesize that crying causes discomfort in the digestive tract, which is relieved by this pressure. (Location 1412)
Baby Bureaucracy (Location 1427)
Certification of Live Birth. (Location 1434)
Birth Certificate (Location 1443)
The birth certificate is not the same as the Certificate of Live Birth, but the two are related. (Location 1443)
The person certifying the document will ask you and your partner to provide identification, which means that your delivery go bag absolutely needs room for your and your partner’s driver’s licenses or passports. (Location 1461)
Getting Your Baby a Social Security Number (Location 1473)
most parents opt to apply for their child’s Social Security number at the same time as they apply for their birth certificate. The Certificate of Live Birth makes this particularly easy. All parents have to do is check a box saying they’d like their child to have a Social Security number and then provide their own Social Security number on the document. (Location 1483)
Considering that doing anything with a baby can be a chore, it will help to download the passport application from travel.state.gov and fill it out before your visit. If you do fill out the application ahead of time, remember to keep the signature blank. Part of the point of applying in person is so and official can witness your signature. (Location 1496)
Keep the baby in a baby carrier. Parents are allowed to drape a white sheet over a baby carrier and place their baby in it for the photograph, though there are caveats. The carrier should not cast any kind of shadow on the baby’s face. (Location 1504)
Don’t worry about the eyes. If you’re taking a picture of an infant for a passport photo, the State Department allows a baby’s eyes to be closed or partially open. (Location 1508)
The better idea is to make a quick trip home with a load of stuff before being discharged. That way, you only have to think about the essentials when leaving the hospital. Namely: your partner and your baby. (Location 1534)
If you do make an advance trip home, take the time to do a bit of prep. Make sure there are enough supplies, that the temperature is set appropriately, and that the home has a general cozy, uncluttered vibe. This is a fine time for a bit of meditative tidying in silence before everything in the environment changes for good. (Location 1536)
Cross the T’s, Dot the I’s, and Ask for the Bill (Location 1538)
Discharge Plan (Location 1543)
Itemized Bill (Location 1547)
Get Phone Numbers (Location 1552)
Finally, before you leave with your brand-new family, make sure to get the contact information for any helpful professionals. It will help to have numbers for lactation consultants, nurses, and any doctors who might be helpful in the future for follow-up information. (Location 1553)
Get the Car (Location 1559)
the issue might not be the actual screen but a parent’s interaction with children. (Location 1717)
following advice doesn’t guarantee an outcome. Not following advice doesn’t guarantee an outcome. The best bet is to pay attention to research and a lot more attention to the child. Good enough is good enough. (Location 1800)
Fathers concede to mothers who want to own responsibility for nurturing activities like diapering or feeding without realizing that they are being frozen out of important duties. They then find themselves in a support role, which feels natural but also triggers some resentment. They don’t want to hear “you’re doing it wrong” even though they’re open to the message. Even so, this dynamic reinforces a discouraging thought: aren’t women just better at this stuff? For their part, mothers may not even be aware that the behaviors they are engaged in constitute gatekeeping or have negative side effects—not even if they are specifically trained and paid to look for those behaviors in others. (Location 1982)
babies and children need physical contact. They need touch. Both are necessary for both physical and social development and should come equally from mothers and fathers. But maternal gatekeeping can hamper contact by keeping dads at a distance. It’s time for dads to open the gate and make with the cuddles. (Location 2027)
Communication: A couple that can speak freely about their needs are more likely to be successful when they feel overburdened. Confidence: Parents who feel confident of their skill set are far less likely to be reticent to take duties that help reset balance. Negotiation: Couples that negotiate with each other tend to be more successful when it comes time to negotiate complicated issues and circumstances. Practice: There’s no room for Allen Iverson–style gameday focus (“Practice!” “Practice?” Yes. Practice.) Dads who expect Mom to mentor in the moment and neglect their training tend to wind up in secondary caregiving roles. (Location 2057)
place. The stronger the relationship between expecting parents and soon-to-be grandparents, the more likely it is that a child will reap the benefits of having a grandparent around. (Location 2164)
“A schedule is really important,” he says. “The kids are up around the same time every day; they’re eating around the same time every day. We swim at the same time, and we don’t have sugar after a certain time.” But he notes that the schedule is more than just for his kids. It also eliminates ambiguity for him and his wife. Part of routine is consistency, which is to say, a clear understanding of what goes where, both organizationally and behaviorally speaking. Barlow’s children understand that rules are contextual. Grandma and Grandpa have different rules, and that’s fine. Those are their rules, and they are to be respected. Mom and Dad’s rules are also to be respected; they’re just enforced in a different home. (Location 2205)
What doesn’t help, however, is when parents have verbal fights with grandparents in front of their children or, even more damagingly, criticize grandparents behind their backs. Children look to parents to understand how to navigate their own relationships, and so when parents model behavior that is petty or aggressive, children will add that to the psychological operation manual they are continually building in their heads. Which is to say if you treat your parents like crap, you shouldn’t be surprised when your kids grow up to treat you like crap too. (Location 2245)
Once in the office when the poking, prodding, and measuring are complete, parents should have a set of a standard set of questions to end every visit. (Location 2391)
Is my child growing consistently and should I have any concerns about their development now? If my kid is sick, then how should I expect the illness to progress? At what point should I reach out if my kid is sick and does not seem to be getting better? If my kid needs over-the-counter medication, what are the doses and the correct timing? Can I safely delay a medical procedure or treatment with antibiotics without risking my child’s health? (Location 2392)
What is the timeline for vaccinations, and can I receive the most recent copy of vaccination records? (Location 2396)
Finally, before leaving, parents should repeat back care instructions as they understand them to verify they’re correct and give the pediatrician a chance to catch any needed changes. But Fish says that parents should also do a gut check before heading out. “Trust your instincts. I tell my family this all the time,” says Fish. “Parental instincts to me are huge. If you pediatrician doesn’t take that seriously then it’s probably time to switch pediatricians.” (Location 2398)
Let caregivers know of any changes in family structure or routine that might affect a child’s behavior. Note significant changes in daily schedules, whether they be dropped naps or shifts in bedtimes. Inform caregivers of important events in the home: both triumphs and tragedies. Offer a brief weekend report at the opening of the week so caregivers have a chance to connect with a child on events outside of their classroom. Ask for validation or corroboration of a kids’ issues at home and seek information on facility techniques caregivers use to deal with behavioral issues. (Location 2487)
If communicating with care professionals is a dance, then parents need to take an assertive lead. That might mean offering more information than would have otherwise been given in a service relationship. It might mean asking more questions, even if you think they are dumb. But by leading the communication, parents can push for consistency and work to tame ambiguity. The result will be professionals who will have a better understanding of the child they are caring for and, ultimately, better outcomes for the kid. (Location 2504)
Parents should always feel comfortable asking for a meeting or sending an email to a helper, but they should also ask about the chain of command. Is there someone better to address the issue? Is there someone who should have visibility to the conversation? Just like some school meetings might require both the teacher and the principal, communicating with a bus driver might be best accomplished with the transportation director knowing about it. (Location 2516)
No matter what communication needs to occur, parents should approach helpers with an understanding that they are often unacknowledged and underpaid for the responsibility they take on for kids. A bus driver may be in contact with a kid for a scant half hour, but in that time, they are directly responsible for the health and well-being of that child. A little vocal understanding and empathy for a helper’s role goes a long way. (Location 2520)
RULES FOR SITTERS (AND PARENTS) There is obvious information that you’ll want to give your sitter (allergies, diet restrictions, and health issues) and a few not-so-obvious guidelines. But the person caring for the kid while parents are out trying not to talk about the kid should have a set of house rules to ensure that things stay on the rails as much as could be expected. Likewise, parents should abide by their own set of rules to make the process as easy as possible for all involved. Follow the Bedtime Routine Bedtime routine mismanagement can derail otherwise good sleepers. It’s important that sitters stick to both the time and the process for getting kids to bed, particularly for younger children. For new sitters this may necessitate parents putting the routine and time down on paper. It may also mean sending a text as a reminder. No Administering Over-the-Counter Meds Without a Call Kids get headaches and tummy aches. They get gassy and constipated. It makes sense that a well-meaning babysitter might want to jump in and help relieve a child’s pain and discomfort with what’s available in the medicine cabinet. But parents need to make it explicit that the sitter calls before giving any medication. Heed Content Warnings Television and streaming videos are often a good (and certainly easy) way for sitters to pass the time. But you’d be hard pressed to find a teen ready to sit through a couple hours of Paw Patrol or Curious George. They might try to sneak in entertainment that they can deal with, potentially exposing kids to images and information (Location 2555)
they’re not ready to process. If you have strict rules on content your kids are allowed to watch, make it explicit and check out streaming histories when you get back to double check. No Company Allowed There’s only so much a parent can control when they leave their home and family to a single person. Adding in another person, particularly when they are young and filled with raging hormones, can make an environment super unsafe super quick—not because a babysitter’s company could be trouble, but because they are a huge distraction when all attention should be on the kids. In Case of an Emergency Call 911 Before Parents This may not seem obvious to sitters who might feel like their main obligation is to parents. But when there’s an emergency, every second counts. And if things go sideways, far too much time could be wasted trying to check in with parents before calling emergency services. Know Rates, Have Money, Make Payment Parents need to know well in advance how much they’ll be paying the sitter and in what manner. Cash is king, obviously, but if a sitter prefers to be paid via an app, you don’t want to waste time trying to get it set up after you get home. And parents should not send a sitter away without payment—it’s just bad form. (Location 2570)
The hard part is making the introduction in a way that is safe for the kid, and it all comes down to distance and time. Basically, the younger your baby is and the closer people are, the greater the likelihood that your child could get sick from visiting well-wishers. So when considering options for introducing your baby to other people, start with a birth announcement and then close the gap with in-person meets for individuals who are considered close family and friends. (Location 2618)
The reason in-person meetings are such a concern is because a baby’s immune system isn’t really ready to rebuff a biological onslaught until they’re about six months old. (Location 2648)
Before friends and family visit, ask about their recent health. Ask if they have had recent fevers, coughs, or other ailments. Ask if they have been around anyone who has been sick recently. Don’t feel bad about begging off meetings if the answers don’t meet your requirements. Your baby’s health is more important than anyone’s feelings. (Location 2655)
Handwashing: Have guests wash hands or use a hand sanitizer the second they come into your home. (Location 2660)
Touching is okay as long as it occurs from the tummy down. Happily, tummies and toes are the most coveted and touchable baby parts. (Location 2662)
No Kisses: This is a hard one to enforce, particularly when it comes to newly minted grandmothers. If kissing is necessary (it never is), keep the lips away from hands and heads. Instead, focus on the toes, knees, and tummy. (Location 2663)
wealth of improved infant health outcomes from skin-to-skin contact. (Location 2681)
kangaroo care (Location 2687)
Pediatricians recommend that skin-to-skin time lasts at least an hour. So be prepared to clear that time to focus on your baby and relax. (Location 2690)
How to Tell if Your Baby Is Hungry Licking their lips Sticking out their tongue Nuzzling and moving their head as if searching for a breast or nipple Sucking on anything that comes close to their face like their own hands and fingers Fussiness (Location 2720)
How Much Should You Serve in the Bottle? (Location 2724)
Serving Sizes Done Right Newborns less than four weeks old: two ounces or less per bottle (two jiggers) Infants over six weeks old: four to five ounces per bottle (a traditional old fashioned) Babies four to six months old: four to six ounces per bottle (a traditional old fashioned from a generous bartender) Babies over six months: rarely more than eight ounces per bottle (a half pint) (Location 2728)
How Often Should You Feed Your Baby? (Location 2736)
For parents using baby formula, or who have decided to bottle feed exclusively, the number of feedings will depend largely on age. Newborns: eight to twelve times every day in two- to three-hour increments Infants over six weeks old: every three hours Babies four to six months old: every three hours Babies over six months old: every four to five hours (Location 2739)
How to Hold the Baby for Feeding (Location 2758)
How to Hold the Bottle for Feeding (Location 2766)
Position the bottle so that it is relatively perpendicular to the floor, or flat. Angle the nipple slightly towards your baby’s upper palate. Fill the nipple only about halfway to begin. This encourages a bit of work on the baby’s part and simulates what’s known as “let down” when a baby is at the breast. Observe a “suckle, pause, suckle, pause” rhythm. This rhythm will slow as your baby gets full. Pay attention. Occasionally tip the bottle back up toward the roof of the mouth, making the baby work a bit harder. Keep track of your flow by watching your baby’s face. Frantic gulping and a surprised or worried look indicate milk is flowing too quickly. Feeding should only take ten to fifteen minutes. (Location 2769)
Burping? (Location 2776)
Problems with discomfort or spitting up after feeding are generally related to poor flow control and are due to a baby getting too much too quickly. (Location 2777)
Place a burp cloth over your shoulder with the majority of the cloth down your back to catch spit-up. Lift your baby so that its abdomen and belly are pressed against your pectoral and deltoid muscle. Your baby should be facing your back, head resting against the burp cloth. Support the baby’s bottom with one hand and give the baby a few sharp, gentle pats. If your baby does not burp in the first few blows there’s no need to keep burping. (Location 2780)
Position 1: The Cradle Hold (Location 2858)
Position 2: The Shoulder Hold (Location 2871)
Position 3: The Panther Hold (Location 2883)
But fathers who hold babies on their chests need to stay awake. If you’re feeling drowsy with your baby on your chest, hand them off and have a snooze or make sure there is someone alert and conscious nearby at all times. (Location 2907)
Activities for Bedtime Routines that Promote Sleepiness (Location 2925)
Dimming the Lights (Location 2928)
Prebedtime Feeding (Location 2932)
Warm Bath (Location 2933)
lavender-scented baby soap (Location 2934)
Reading (Location 2935)
Dental Hygiene (Location 2937)
Prayer or Meditation (Location 2940)
Singing (Location 2943)
A Final Phrase (Location 2947)
The End of Your Bedtime Routine (Location 2950)
the goal for the end of the bedtime routine should be babies who are drowsy but not fully asleep. Parents should place them in their crib and leave before sleep occurs so that their baby can get used to soothing themselves to sleep. This will pay dividends in the future. (Location 2953)
HOW TO CHANGE A DIAPER (Location 2955)
How to Change a Disposable Diaper (Location 2992)
What You’ll Need: One baby, approximately eight pounds One disposable diaper, size NB or 1 One wet wipe, out of container One tube rash cream, if needed, cap open One changing table, or other level service (Location 2994)
Directions: Lay child on a flat dry surface, in a supine position, clothed. Undo onesie, or other garment, to expose the old diaper, making sure to pull fabric well clear from potential poop contamination. Open new diaper and position beneath the child’s old diaper. (Location 2998)
Carefully unstick the adhesive fasteners on the old diaper, keeping the diaper mostly in place. Hold both the infant’s legs at the ankle with one hand, gently lift its legs aloft, just enough to facilitate the removal of the old diaper. Using the interior of the old diaper as a preliminary catch-all, wipe as much poop from the child’s butt as possible. Move diaper out of range but keep it open. Moving with urgency, for this is the danger zone, use your ready wipe to completely clean the child’s body. Pay attention to the lower back, where poop often resides. Slide the new diaper into position. If your baby is a boy, you might want to prophylactically cover his penis with the interior of the new diaper, lest he pees and you are doused. If the kid is suffering from diaper rash, rinse the affected area gently with a wet cloth, then pat dry. Apply diaper rash cream if necessary. Enclose the child’s loins in the new diaper, fastening the enclosures firmly but not too tightly. (You should be able to insert two fingers into the waistband.) The diaper waist should rest just under the belly button. Lower the baby’s legs. Now, holding the baby in place with one hand, form the old diaper into a small poop-filled ball, with used wipe(s) inside. Discard. Run your finger along the cuffs of the new diaper, ensuring the cuffs aren’t tucked under, a common cause for blowouts. Pick up child with one arm. Pat yourself on the back with the other. (Location 3001)
Babies poop around ten times a day for the first two months of their lives and about four times a day for the two months after that. (Location 3050)
White chalky stool, for instance, can be an indicator of a blockage in the liver’s bile ducts. (Bile turns poop dark.) The cause of this blockage can be a disease called bilary atresia, which affects one in eighteen thousand births worldwide. It’s pretty serious. Red stool, meanwhile, is a telltale sign of bleeding. Black stool is indicative of digested blood, which indicates bleeding in the stomach. (Although if you’re really concerned about black stool, smear some on a white paper and hold to a bright light. Chances are it’s dark green.) But if you see white, black, or red poop, consult a pediatrician immediately. (Location 3068)
HOW TO PUT BABY IN A CAR SEAT (Location 3073)
When a car seat is installed correctly, and the baby strapped in right, the head should never fall forward, which could cause airway blockage. (Location 3106)
From the perspective of an adult whose parts are far less flexible, the way a newborn’s head rests while they’re in the car seat looks excruciating. If your average parents bent their necks in such extreme ways, they would probably be dead. Given that parents are hormonally primed for empathy, seeing a baby’s head flopped over can lead to the visceral feeling of discomfort. This often prompts parents to make the misguided decision of adding aftermarket neck supports to an infant car seat to keep their newborn’s head stable. (Location 3109)
unless advised by a certified professional car seat installer, don’t add anything extra to your infant car seat. (Location 3116)
Installing the Baby (Location 3117)
Loosen all straps as much as possible and position them to the side of the seat so your baby can be placed in the seat unobstructed. Note that metal portions of buckles can get hot in the summer and cause burns. Place your baby bottom snug in the seat, spine centered, and back in contact with the seat from bottom to shoulders. Place the straps over the shoulders. Buckle harness straps at the crotch and then buckle the chest clip. Pull the strap at the center buckle so that the baby’s hips are pressed firmly back into the seat. (Location 3120)
Pull the chest and shoulder straps tight. You should be unable to pinch any slack in the belt at the shoulders or stick a finger between the strap and the baby. Adjust the chest clip so that it is positioned at the baby’s armpits. (Location 3125)
Roughhousing helps children build social and emotional skills in ways distinct from other types of play. For instance, it’s helpful to compare rough-and-tumble types of play to pretend and imaginative play, which largely sit in a mother’s domain. (Location 3538)
Pausing the play helps a child understand restraint and the need to rest when things are uncomfortable or hard. Restarting play even after an accident promotes resilience. (Location 3553)
“In this acceptance of risk, there’s an implicit message that fathers are there for their children even if things get a bit chaotic,” O’Connor says. “You don’t have to be perfect. Things happen. You get knocked around and hurt sometimes. But the message is, ‘I’m here for you even if things go off the rails.’” (Location 3554)
The basic parameters are simple: rough-and-tumble play should include movements that challenge balance and coordination. It should also include movements that change where a body is in space, like climbing, crouching, and jumping. Roughhousing should also include other less obvious sensory inputs like touch, texture, pressure, and smell. (Location 3571)
That scaffolding can support a wide variety of activities. Albright is particularly fond of using pillows in play, either for pillow fighting or wrestling. But she also notes that an activity as simple as freeze tag could also be considered roughhousing. Many dads who find themselves ready to roughhouse might default to a John Cena–like wrestling style. But Albright encourages the fathers she works with to expand their rough-and-tumble repertoire. Tag is a good option. Chase is fine too. But whatever you play, she says, kids also need to learn how to calm down. (Location 3573)
“If you think of an adult working out, you do a cooldown to bring down your heart rate. Bring the child’s heart rate back down and demonstrate how this is done,” she says. “So when they feel their heart race from something that happens at school or if they have a meltdown, they now have a calming strategy to slow their heart rate.” (Location 3577)
So when a physical father acknowledges his daughter’s boundaries in play, the idea that she has agency is reinforced. “Rough-and-tumble play is a good example of where you can work through reinforcing your boundaries. It’s really important for girls to learn that skill, and it is a skill.” (Location 3603)
Dweck hypothesized that the reason girls tended to give up was because they were often praised for innate abilities, unlike boys, who were praised for their ability to overcome and achieve. Rough-and-tumble play is part of this. (Location 3613)
“If parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, and keep on learning,” Dweck told Psychology magazine in a 2016 interview. “That way, their children don’t have to be slaves of praise. They will have a lifelong way to build and repair their own confidence.”6 (Location 3617)
As is the case in all interpersonal touch, consent is key. A kid who doesn’t want to be tickled or wrestled shouldn’t be. Parents need to know that in the context of play, “no” and “stop” don’t lose their meaning. And adults following those directives given by children can actually help children understand and strengthen their personal boundaries and the agency they feel over their own bodily autonomy. (Location 3622)
Discipline is passed down from parents to children when children have the opportunity to observe their parents keeping their impulses and emotions in check. Kids learn from how they are treated. Think of it as a perversion of the Golden Rule: do unto others as you have seen others do unto you. (Location 3684)
This is why toddlers are often infuriating. At around eighteen months old, they develop “Theory of Mind,” which means they understand that every person has thoughts and experiences unique to themselves. But this isn’t a particularly stable idea for them, and they don’t necessarily understand which experiences are likely to be annoying. They genuinely don’t. “The goal of a child is very rarely to cause harm to a parent,” Kidd says. “What you’re thinking the action means is very different than what the action probably means.” (Location 3699)
Why You Should Tell Yourself You’re a Good Parent (Location 3728)
“The more efficacious groups judge themselves to be, the higher their collective aspirations, the greater their motivational investment in their undertakings, the stronger their staying power in the face of impediments, the more robust their resilience to adversity, and the higher their performance accomplishments.” (Location 3741)
Why You Should Think Out Loud in Front of You Kid “Much human learning is aimed at developing cognitive skills on how to gain and use knowledge for future use. Observational learning of thinking skills is greatly facilitated by having models verbalize their thoughts aloud as they engage in problem-solving activities. The thoughts guiding their decisions and action strategies are thus made observable for adoption.”7 (Location 3748)
When a parent yells or engages in harsh discipline, children’s bodies respond to the stress and, in a sense, store it. The possibility that unhealthy interactions over a prolonged period of time could change a child’s gene expression is very real. (Location 3764)
TRAIN YOURSELF, NOT YOUR KIDS (Location 3767)
The effectiveness of time-outs depends entirely on how parents use them. If a time-out is mainly punitive and administered with yelling, blame, and name-calling, it will be destabilizing for a kid. If the goal is correction and isolation, children may learn to obey blindly but not how to control their emotions and change behaviors. Time-outs are particularly useless during tantrums. By the time a child is melting down, they’ve lost the ability to process why they’re being put into time-out in the first place. (Location 3796)
Time-out is not effective as “a stand-alone parenting strategy; rather, it was part of a stepped process, in which effective implementation was dependent on mastery of positive reinforcement of the child as a first step,” University of Sydney researchers Mark Dadds and Lucy Tully wrote in a 2019 study reanalyzing data around the effectiveness of time-outs. “In other words, enhancing the positive relationship between parent and child (‘time-in’) was necessary for time-out to be effective.” (Location 3800)
To make time-outs work, they have to be codified and consistent and end in positive relationship building. The process of a time-out should include age-appropriate explanation of why the time-out is happening and an exploration of what the better behavioral choices might have been. But even after that talk, parents should consider whether there will be additional natural consequences so a kid can make reparations. Those reparations can include everything from an apology to cleaning up a mess. (Location 3804)
A time-out without talk, reparation, and a mending of the relationship is just punishment. It’s a brain spanking and can be just as damaging as a smack on the butt. (Location 3807)
Fetishizing rationality can get ugly, but there’s a lot to be said for demonstrating a bit of stoicism. Importantly, that doesn’t necessarily mean hiding your emotions, just controlling them. The ability to control one’s emotions makes it far easier to control one’s kids. (Location 3815)
The Twenty-Four Character Strengths of Positive Psychology (Location 4146)
Researchers have repeatedly found that consumers overestimated the sense of the value of material goods. It makes sense then that the Fowler family, who prioritize shared experiences, seem so happy. (Location 4218)
The One-Month Developmental Milestones that Matter (Location 4273)
Moving Hands to Face and Mouth, Making Fists (Location 4278)
Reacting to Loud Noises and Turning Head Toward Sounds (Location 4286)
Red Flags: If your baby does not seem to react or startle to loud or sudden noises, it may be a sign that there is a hearing problem. A baby who doesn’t react to loud noises could be affected by hearing loss or other neurological disorders. (Location 4288)
The Rooting Reflex (Location 4293)
Red Flags: More important than the reflex itself is how your baby is feeding. If sucking is weak or feeding is too slow, you should contact your pediatrician. (Location 4296)
The Two-Month Developmental Milestones that Matter (Location 4303)
Lifting Head During Tummy Time (Location 4309)
Red Flags: When two-month-olds are not able to lift their heads or hold them steady, it could be a sign of a serious issue. But it’s important not to consider that in isolation. Babies get tired just like everyone else. Sometimes it simply takes longer for muscles to strengthen and develop, particularly if a baby was born premature. If your two-month-old also seems lethargic, however, with loose “floppy” limbs or overly stiff and shaky limbs, you will want to notify your pediatrician. (Location 4316)
Developing a Personality (Location 4322)
Red Flags: There is a lot to be said here about who parents understand their babies to be. Some babies have a very watchful and mellow temperament. Babies may sometimes be incredibly fussy because of issues like colic. Other times babies are curious and excited. So recognizing the red flags at this stage is more about keeping track of babies’ physical response to their environment in the context of what a parent knows to be normal for their child. Babies who don’t follow a novel object or a parent’s face with their eyes may need to be seen by a pediatrician, for instance. (Location 4329)
The same goes for a (Location 4333)
baby that does not respond to a parent’s voice or loud noises. These could be signs of neurological issues. (Location 4333)
Around month two, much is said about a baby being able to smile. (Location 4335)
The Three-Month Developmental Milestones that Matter (Location 4341)
Much More Social (Location 4345)
parents should see baby flash a smile in response to play and activity. (Location 4346)
Baby won’t be saying mama or dada yet, but you may hear some breathy gahs, ohs, guhs, and oos. The babble may be subtle or pronounced. It will definitely be pretty slobbery. (Location 4347)
Red Flags: (Location 4353)
But a baby that seems completely disinterested or does not babble, look at parents, or smile may need to see the pediatrician sooner rather than later. (Location 4357)
Reaching for and Grasping Objects (Location 4361)
Red Flags: Babies who seem to be unable to reach and grasp or who do not take any interest in loud noises may be experiencing neurological issues. (Location 4366)
Newborn sleep starts to normalize over the next few weeks. And as babies are able to bring hands to their mouths and suck their fists, they should be learning to self-soothe. Also, at three months, as babies start learning to roll over, their risk of SIDS begins to decline. (Location 4372)
The Four-Month Developmental Milestones that Matter (Location 4376)
More Communication (Location 4379)
Red Flags: If your baby isn’t following objects with its eyes or doesn’t vocalize or react to your face by four months, it could indicate an issue with cognitive development. (Location 4389)
Getting Stronger (Location 4395)
Red Flags: A baby whose movements are erratic and who does not seem to have control over its head may not be developing typically. Babies who are struggling with physical development might tend to keep their limbs tucked up and may simply seem listless and floppy. (Location 4402)
The Six-Month Developmental Milestones that Matter (Location 4411)
Increasing Curiosity (Location 4416)
Making Moves (Location 4430)
The Nine-Month Developmental Milestones that Matter (Location 4447)
Moving and Sitting with a Purpose (Location 4453)
Plenty of Playing Around (Location 4469)
The Twelve-Month Developmental Milestones that Matter (Location 4487)
Developing Desires, Opinions, and Preferences (Location 4491)
Responsive and Interactive (Location 4503)
Starting to Stand (Location 4518)
The Eighteen-Month Developmental Milestones that Matter (Location 4530)
Toddling (Location 4534)
Exploring the World Cautiously (Location 4544)
Pretending (Location 4558)