DESCRIPTION

Do you want to get ahead in life? Climb the ladder to personal success? The secret, master networker Keith Ferrazzi claims, is in reaching out to other people. As Ferrazzi discovered early in life, what distinguishes highly successful people from everyone else is the way they use the power of relationships—so that everyone wins. In Never Eat Alone, Ferrazzi lays out the specific steps—and inner mindset—he uses to reach out to connect with the thousands of colleagues, friends, and associates on his Rolodex, people he has helped and who have helped him. The son of a small-town steelworker and a cleaning lady, Ferrazzi first used his remarkable ability to connect with others to pave the way to a scholarship at Yale, a Harvard MBA, and several top executive posts. Not yet out of his thirties, he developed a network of relationships that stretched from Washington’s corridors of power to Hollywood’s A-list, leading to him being named one of Crain’s 40 Under 40 and one of Davos’ Global Leader for Tomorrow. Ferrazzi’s form of connecting to the world around him is based on generosity, helping friends connect with other friends. Ferrazzi distinguishes genuine relationship-building from the crude, desperate glad-handling usually associated with “networking.” He then distills his system of reaching out to people into practical, proven principles. Among them: Don’t keep score: It’s never simply about getting what you want. It’s about getting what you want and making sure that the people who are important to you get what they want, too. “Ping” constantly: The Ins and Outs of reaching out to those in your circle of contacts all the time—not just when you need something. Never eat alone: The dynamics of status are the same whether you’re working at a corporation or attending a society event— “invisibility” is a fate worse than failure. In the course of the book, Ferrazzi outlines the timeless strategies shared by the world’s most connected individuals, from Katherine Graham to Bill Clinton, Vernon Jordan to the Dalai Lama. Chock full of specific advice on handling rejection, getting past gatekeepers, becoming a “conference commando,” and more, Never Eat Alone is destined to take its place alongside How to Win Friends and Influence People as an inspirational classic.

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Main Ideas

1. Networking Mindset

• Relationships are the foundation of success—people do business with those they know and like.
• The real currency of networking is generosity, not greed—give before you expect to receive.
• Define your mission (your “blue flame”: passion + ability) and align networking with it.
• Build networks before you need them—nurture consistently, like a garden.
• Be bold and audacious in reaching out—most opportunities come from daring to ask.
• Avoid being the “networking jerk”—authenticity, humility, and generosity matter more than self-promotion.

2. Core Skills

• Do your homework—research people before meeting them.
• Organize your network—keep lists of contacts, aspirational connections, and influencers.
• Warm the cold call—always use mutual contacts or shared context to build credibility.
• Respect gatekeepers (assistants, staff)—they are allies, not obstacles.
• Never eat alone—use meals, group events, and casual meetups to connect.
• Share your passions—authentic enthusiasm builds trust.

3. Turning Connections into Allies

• Strongest bonds form when helping with health, wealth, and children.
• Practice social arbitrage—connect people, share opportunities, be the “switchboard.”
• Ping regularly—small, consistent touchpoints keep relationships alive.
• Use anchor tenants (key guests) at gatherings to expand networks.
• Be interesting—curiosity, learning, and diverse interests make you magnetic.
• Build your personal brand around authenticity and generosity.

4. Digital & Scaled Networking

• Leverage weak ties (the Fringe)—often the best source of new opportunities.
• Build trust through content—authentic writing, vulnerability, and consistent communication.
• Engineer serendipity—place yourself in environments that foster chance connections.
• Treat small talk as meaningful—curiosity and stories open doors.
• Feed your network with consistent generosity and attention.
• Connect with super-connectors—and strive to be one yourself.

5. Multiplying Impact

• Use writing and media to scale your influence and attract opportunities.
• Build communities—groups multiply your reach far more than one-on-one ties.
• Stay humble—ego kills trust.
• Transform your mission into a movement others can join.
• Above all: start now. Don’t wait for perfect timing—relationships compound over time.

Implementation Guideline

Here’s a step-by-step way to put these ideas into action:

Step 1: Clarify Your Mission

• Write down your passion + abilities = “blue flame.”
• Create a Relationship Action Plan (RAP):
  1. Goals you want to achieve.
  2. People who can help (current, aspirational, connectors).
  3. Strategies for reaching out—always lead with value.

Step 2: Build and Organize Your Network

• Make a master contact list: friends, colleagues, alumni, relatives, online contacts.
• Segment into:
  • Core contacts (monthly check-ins).
  • Secondary ties (2–3 times a year).
  • Aspirational contacts (targeted outreach).
• Use tools (CRM, spreadsheets, or apps) to track pings, follow-ups, and goals.

Step 3: Practice Generosity

• Give more than you ask:
  • Share articles, introductions, advice, encouragement.
  • Celebrate milestones (birthdays, promotions).
  • Ask: “How can I help?” in every interaction.

Step 4: Be Bold and Authentic

• Set a goal: one new connection per week.
• When reaching out:
  • Reference mutual contacts or shared interests.
  • Keep it short, valuable, and clear.
  • Don’t fear rejection—boldness compounds.

Step 5: Stay Visible

• Never eat alone: schedule meals, coffee, workouts, or events weekly.
• Host small dinners or informal gatherings—include “anchor tenants.”
• Use conferences, hobbies, volunteering, and passions as connection points.

Step 6: Nurture Consistently

• Ping your network:
  • New contacts: 3 touchpoints early on.
  • Core ties: monthly.
  • Secondary ties: 2–3 times per year.
• Use birthdays, holidays, and milestones as natural prompts.
• Follow up within 24 hours of meeting someone.

Step 7: Scale Your Influence

• Write articles, blogs, or posts—showcase generosity and insights.
• Use social media to amplify, but blend personal + professional stories.
• Seek media opportunities (podcasts, interviews) to expand reach.
• Build or join communities aligned with your mission.

Step 8: Keep Growing

• Develop passions outside work—sports, arts, travel—these make you interesting.
• Be humble and authentic; never manipulate.
• Aim to turn your mission into a movement others rally behind.

AI Summary

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Section 1: The Mind-Set

Chapter 1 – Becoming a Member of the Club

Ferrazzi recounts his journey from a working-class background in Pennsylvania to Harvard Business School. Feeling out of place among elite peers, he realized that what set him apart was his understanding of relationships. As a caddie, he observed how wealthy and successful people relied on networks of friends to open doors for one another. He internalized the lesson that poverty is not just about money but about isolation from opportunity.

Key themes:

• Success is built on relationships, not just intelligence or hard work.
• Reciprocity is rooted in genuine care and generosity, not manipulation.
• Business and life are human enterprises: progress depends on people helping people.
• Being a “connector” is about sharing knowledge, time, and empathy to enrich others’ lives while enriching your own.

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Chapter 2 – Don’t Keep Score

This chapter emphasizes generosity as the core principle of successful networking. Ferrazzi argues against a transactional mindset, insisting that relationships grow stronger when generosity flows freely without keeping track of favors.

Key themes:

• Accepting generosity is as important as giving it. Asking for help is part of the process.
• True networks function on mutual need and trust.
• Relationships are like muscles—the more exercised, the stronger they get.
• Examples: mentors like Jack Pidgeon, who helped students by connecting them to opportunities, showing that generosity compounds value.
• In a networked, knowledge-driven economy, collaboration and cooperation matter more than zero-sum competition.
• Autonomy and “going it alone” are career killers. Success today requires interdependence.
• Bottom line: The currency of real networking is generosity, not greed.

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Chapter 3 – What’s Your Mission?

Ferrazzi argues that clear goals are essential for building meaningful relationships and advancing in life. Without a mission, networking becomes unfocused.

Key themes:

• Successful people set clear, specific goals and align their relationships accordingly.
• Introduces the concept of the “blue flame”—where passion and ability intersect, guiding one’s mission.
• Goal-setting process:
  1. Find your passion (look inward and outward, connect dreams with strengths).
  2. Put goals to paper (use the Relationship Action Plan to map goals, people who can help, and strategies to reach them).
  3. Create a personal “Board of Advisors” (trusted mentors and friends who hold you accountable and provide perspective).
• Examples:
  • His own path to reengineering consulting at Deloitte.
  • Jamie, who used the Relationship Action Plan to pivot from academia to teaching.
  • Virginia Feigles, who reinvented her life at 44 to become an engineer.
  • Bill Clinton, who meticulously tracked contacts in service of his political mission.

Main takeaway: Networking is most powerful when connected to a clearly defined mission that excites you and draws others into your vision.

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Chapter 4 – Build It Before You Need It

Ferrazzi stresses that you must cultivate your network before you’re desperate for it. Many people only reach out when they lose a job or face a crisis, but that’s too late.

Key themes:

• Your immediate circle (friends, coworkers, family) is only the beginning; true potential lies in extended and overlooked connections—friends of friends, old classmates, church members, even your doctor or Realtor.
• Nurture existing relationships consistently, like gardening, so that they grow strong before you ever “need” them.
• Trust and goodwill are more likely when people already know you; cold networking is harder and less effective.
• Build community proactively—reach out regularly and contribute value even when you don’t have an agenda.

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Chapter 5 – The Genius of Audacity

This chapter celebrates boldness as the difference-maker. Ferrazzi recounts how his father, a steelworker, dared to approach a CEO for help with his son’s schooling, which opened life-changing doors.

Key themes:

• Bold moves—asking powerful people for guidance, favors, or introductions—create breakthroughs that caution never will.
• Audacity signals belief in yourself and your mission; others are more likely to invest in you if you’re willing to risk asking.
• Ferrazzi emphasizes the need to overcome fear of rejection, citing Goethe’s line: “Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.”
• Bold networking is not reckless—it is courageous, intentional, and usually respectful.

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Chapter 6 – The Networking Jerk

Here Ferrazzi critiques the stereotypical “networker”: the schmoozer who thrusts business cards at strangers, delivers rehearsed pitches, and treats relationships as transactions.

Key themes:

• Inauthentic ambition makes people avoid you. When networking is about self-promotion, it fails.
• Ferrazzi admits he once made these mistakes—befriending only superiors, ignoring peers, and pushing his own goals above others’.
• A turning point came when an executive coach told him his office displayed only pictures of himself, not his team. This taught him that leadership is about enabling others’ success, not showcasing your own.
• Authentic networking requires humility, listening, and care for others’ achievements.
• Takeaway: Don’t be a “networking jerk.” Be a connector rooted in generosity and authenticity.

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Complete Six-Chapter Arc (Summary)

1. Becoming a Member of the Club – Success is built on relationships, not isolation.
2. Don’t Keep Score – Generosity, not transactional keeping of favors, powers real networking.
3. What’s Your Mission? – Goals and passion (your “blue flame”) guide effective connections.
4. Build It Before You Need It – Networks must be nurtured early and consistently.
5. The Genius of Audacity – Boldness in reaching out creates life-changing opportunities.
6. The Networking Jerk – Avoid insincere, transactional networking; lead with authenticity.

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Section II: The Skill Set

Chapter 7 – Do Your Homework

Preparation is key before meeting anyone. Ferrazzi researches contacts deeply—background, interests, achievements—so that conversations are warm, specific, and meaningful.

Main Ideas:

• Research people thoroughly before meeting them.
• Use Google, LinkedIn, Twitter, bios, or interviews.
• Find shared interests to spark authentic conversation.
• Preparation shows respect and builds credibility.
• Like Churchill, preparation is what makes encounters look effortless.

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Chapter 8 – Take Names

Networking requires organization. Ferrazzi keeps detailed lists of people he knows, wants to know, and “dream contacts.” These lists help him focus efforts on relationships that align with his goals.

Main Ideas:

• Maintain a contact list: people you know, want to know, and aspirational contacts.
• Align your list with 90-day, 1-year, and 3-year goals.
• Be specific—name individuals, not just organizations.
• Use categories (geography, industry, passions) to segment lists.
• “Influentials” like journalists or analysts can amplify your reputation.

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Chapter 9 – Warming the Cold Call

Ferrazzi dismisses traditional cold calling in favor of warm calling—reaching out through shared connections or contexts. This approach increases trust and response.

Main Ideas:

• Always create warmth: reference a mutual contact, institution, or interest.
• Four rules for outreach:
  1. Convey credibility.
  2. Offer value relevant to them.
  3. Be clear, urgent, and flexible.
  4. Provide a fallback option.
• Persistence matters: most calls/emails go unanswered initially.
• Email guidelines: concise subject lines, brevity, timing, and clarity.

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Chapter 10 – Managing the Gatekeeper—Artfully

Gatekeepers hold power, and treating them poorly is a fatal mistake. Ferrazzi argues that assistants, secretaries, and staff must be respected as trusted allies of leaders.

Main Ideas:

• Treat gatekeepers as partners, not obstacles.
• Respect, kindness, and acknowledgment win trust.
• Never underestimate their influence on access.
• Small gestures (thank-yous, thoughtfulness) matter.
• Vulnerability and honesty work better than aggression.

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Chapter 11 – Never Eat Alone

The central principle of the book: always reach out, engage, and remain visible. Ferrazzi argues that invisibility is worse than failure. Meals, in particular, are powerful opportunities to build bonds.

Main Ideas:

• Fill your calendar with breakfasts, lunches, and dinners.
• Visibility creates opportunities.
• Use group meals or “cloned” events to maximize time.
• Networking should feel natural and enjoyable.
• Learn from failures—persistence is key.
• Relationships compound like interest when consistently nurtured.

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Chapter 12 – Share Your Passions

The deepest connections come from shared passions, not artificial networking settings. Ferrazzi suggests weaving your hobbies and values into your networking strategy.

Main Ideas:

• Build relationships through activities you love (sports, food, service, hobbies).
• Shared passions create trust and authenticity.
• Passion-based connections are often stronger than professional ties.
• Volunteer work, fitness, and cultural interests open natural networking avenues.
• Enthusiasm is contagious and draws people closer

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Section III: Turning Connections into Compatriots

Chapter 18 – Health, Wealth, and Children

Ferrazzi emphasizes that the deepest and most enduring bonds are created when you help people with their most fundamental concerns: health, wealth, and children. Drawing on insights from Michael Milken and his own experiences, he explains how genuine care in these areas fosters lifelong loyalty. This goes beyond superficial networking—it means showing up in meaningful moments.

Main Ideas:

• True loyalty comes from helping with health, wealth, and children.
• These needs align with Maslow’s hierarchy of basic human concerns.
• Even small gestures (emotional support, introductions to experts, mentoring kids) can build profound trust.
• Authenticity matters—promising help and failing to deliver can damage relationships.
• Adopt a worldview that every person is an opportunity to help and be helped.

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Chapter 19 – Social Arbitrage

Here Ferrazzi introduces the concept of social arbitrage—leveraging your network to connect people, solve problems, and spread opportunities. Unlike hoarding power, true influence comes from being indispensable through generosity and knowledge sharing.

Main Ideas:

• Shift mindset: stop focusing only on your own success; help others succeed.
• Social arbitrage = matching people, ideas, and resources across different worlds.
• Don’t wait to be asked—step in proactively to add value.
• Knowledge is a valuable, free form of currency you can share.
• Diverse networks (bridging different groups) create career advantages.
• Real power = being a “switchboard” of opportunities and introductions.

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Chapter 20 – Pinging—All the Time

Ferrazzi stresses that relationships require ongoing maintenance. He calls this constant outreach “pinging”—quick, casual check-ins that keep connections alive. The secret is repetition, consistency, and personalization.

Main Ideas:

• 80% of networking success is staying in touch.
• Use varied communication: calls, emails, social media, face-to-face.
• Frequency rules:
  • New contacts: at least 3 touchpoints in different forms.
  • Developing ties: once a month.
  • Friends: two in-person meetings.
  • Secondary ties: 2–3 pings a year.
• Segment contacts (personal, customers, prospects, important associates, aspirational).
• Automate and organize with lists, but keep outreach personal.
• Birthdays and life milestones are powerful opportunities to ping meaningfully.

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Chapter 21 – Find Anchor Tenants and Feed Them

Using the metaphor of hosting dinner parties, Ferrazzi explains the power of anchor tenants—influential guests who draw in others and expand your circle. The idea is to create diverse gatherings that deepen connections and make your home (or table) a hub for networking.

Main Ideas:

• Shared meals build the strongest bonds.
• Anchor tenants are people outside your circle who attract others.
• Hosting doesn’t require wealth—simplicity and creativity matter more.
• Guests should be a mix of business contacts, aspirational connections, and light-hearted “energy attractors.”
• Use themes to make gatherings memorable.
• Dinner parties and informal events foster deeper trust than formal meetings.

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Chapter 22 – Be Interesting

This chapter focuses on personal development and curiosity. To be a great connector, you must also be someone worth connecting with—engaged, curious, and continually learning.

Main Ideas:

• Interesting people attract others naturally.
• Develop a wide range of passions—art, travel, food, sports, literature.
• Curiosity leads to authentic conversations.
• Share experiences and stories instead of generic small talk.
• Ongoing self-development makes you more magnetic and valuable to others.

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Chapter 23 – Build Your Brand

Ferrazzi argues that in today’s interconnected world, everyone has a personal brand. The key is to be intentional about how others perceive you and to align your brand with authenticity and service.

Main Ideas:

• Your reputation is your personal brand—nurture it.
• Be known for generosity, reliability, and value creation.
• Align brand with authentic passions and strengths.
• Social media amplifies personal branding; use it wisely.
• A strong brand builds credibility and attracts opportunities.

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Key Takeaways from Chapters 18–23

• Relationships deepen when you address people’s core human needs.
• Social arbitrage makes you indispensable by connecting worlds and sharing knowledge.
• Pinging keeps you front of mind; consistency is the lifeblood of networking.
• Hosting and gatherings with anchor tenants expand circles organically.
• To connect well, become interesting yourself—cultivate passions and curiosity.
• Protect and project your personal brand with authenticity and generosity.

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Section IV: Connecting in the Digital Age

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Chapter 22 – Tap the Fringe

Ferrazzi introduces the concept of the Fringe—the weak ties at the outer edge of your network, now amplified by digital tools. By curating and managing these ties through social media, you can gain access to timely insights, diverse perspectives, and unexpected opportunities. He uses examples of tech influencers like Robert Scoble to show how scaling and filtering connections produces value.

Main Ideas:

• The Fringe = weak ties at the network’s edges, managed through tech.
• Curating feeds (Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook) turns noise into valuable insights.
• Weak ties spread ideas faster than strong ties; innovation often comes from them.
• Balance intimacy (close ties) with breadth (large digital networks).
• Diversity in networks boosts creativity and collective intelligence.
• Best online networking alternates between virtual and real-life interactions.

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Chapter 23 – Become the King of Content

Trust online comes from content, not just credentials. Ferrazzi explains how consistent, authentic communication builds reputation. He offers the “algebra of trust”: Generosity + Vulnerability + Accountability + Candor (GVAC). Examples like astronaut Chris Hadfield and James Altucher show how authenticity and radical honesty attract loyal audiences.

Main Ideas:

• Content is the vehicle for building trust at scale.
• GVAC (Generosity, Vulnerability, Accountability, Candor) = formula for trust.
• Share humanity, not just polish—authenticity beats perfection.
• Honesty about failures and personal struggles strengthens credibility.
• Practical tips:
  • Headlines should pitch utility or curiosity.
  • Tweets/posts should provide value, not “Me Now” noise.
  • Co-create content with your audience.
  • Blend personal + professional stories to humanize your message.

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Chapter 24 – Engineering Serendipity

This chapter focuses on creating “lucky” encounters by engineering serendipity—designing environments and habits that maximize chance meetings. Ferrazzi illustrates with Heidi Roizen’s career, showing how being visible, active, and diverse in your connections attracts opportunities.

Main Ideas:

• Serendipity = engineered “happy accidents”.
• Strategies:
  • Be open to chance opportunities.
  • Place yourself in environments where innovation thrives.
  • Engage in associations, philanthropy, and industry hubs.
  • Use geography (talent “spikes” like Silicon Valley) to your advantage.
• Diversity and new experiences inject unexpected connections.
• Serendipity can be “hacked” through deliberate networking.

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Chapter 25 – The Art of Small Talk

Ferrazzi reframes small talk as a crucial tool, not superficial filler. By asking genuine questions, listening attentively, and showing curiosity, you transform casual encounters into meaningful beginnings.

Main Ideas:

• Small talk = gateway to deeper relationships.
• Keys: authenticity, curiosity, and follow-up.
• Ask open-ended questions; avoid transactional or self-centered talk.
• Share personal details selectively to invite reciprocity.
• Humor and storytelling make conversations memorable.
• Treat everyone—from strangers to executives—as worth engaging.

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Chapter 26 – Feed Your Network

Relationships require nourishment. Ferrazzi emphasizes consistency and generosity in maintaining networks, offering practical systems for staying in touch. He likens it to gardening—regular attention prevents withering.

Main Ideas:

• Networks die without consistent attention.
• “Pinging” (emails, calls, texts, social media) keeps relationships warm.
• Share articles, congratulate milestones, send thank-yous.
• Organize outreach using lists, calendars, and reminders.
• Add value regularly: introductions, advice, encouragement.
• Focus on long-term investment, not short-term gain.

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Chapter 27 – Connecting to Connectors

Ferrazzi closes by highlighting the importance of super-connectors—individuals who naturally bridge networks and create massive value for others. Building relationships with them expands your reach exponentially.

Main Ideas:

• Super-connectors = hubs of influence across industries.
• They thrive on generosity, authenticity, and building bridges.
• Identify connectors in your field (journalists, event organizers, entrepreneurs).
• Approach with value first; don’t exploit their position.
• Being a connector yourself builds credibility and magnetism.
• A network built with connectors is resilient and scalable.

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Key Takeaways from Chapters 22–27

• Digital edge: Weak ties at the Fringe hold immense value when curated well.
• Content as trust: Authentic, generous communication is the currency of credibility.
• Serendipity: Luck can be engineered by exposure, diversity, and visibility.
• Small talk: Genuine curiosity transforms casual chats into opportunities.
• Nourishment: Regular, generous contact keeps networks alive.
• Connectors: Super-connectors amplify your reach; become one yourself.

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Section V – Trading Up and Giving Back

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Chapter 28 – The Write Stuff

Ferrazzi emphasizes that writing is a powerful way to extend your influence and build your network. By publishing articles, blogs, or even books, you showcase your expertise, share your ideas widely, and establish credibility. Writing gives you authority and creates opportunities to connect with people you might never meet otherwise.

Main Ideas:

• Writing is a scalable way to broadcast expertise and passion .
• Articles, blogs, newsletters, and books serve as “network multipliers.”
• Written content provides credibility and authority.
• Publishing attracts new opportunities and introductions.
• Writing doesn’t need to be perfect—clarity and authenticity matter more than polish.

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Chapter 29 – The Power of Broadcast

Ferrazzi explores how media exposure—TV, radio, podcasts, magazines, newspapers—can accelerate visibility and influence. He encourages readers to proactively cultivate media relationships rather than waiting to be “discovered.”

Main Ideas:

• Media exposure increases both personal brand value and network reach .
• Relationships with journalists and influencers are vital.
• Don’t wait for opportunities—pitch stories and ideas.
• “Buzz” can be engineered through creative PR strategies.
• Each appearance builds momentum; visibility multiplies credibility.

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Chapter 30 – Build Your Community

True power comes from community, not just individual connections. Ferrazzi shows how building or nurturing a group around shared interests multiplies impact. From alumni networks to professional associations, communities create scale and loyalty.

Main Ideas:

• Communities amplify influence beyond one-on-one networking .
• Examples: alumni clubs, professional associations, online groups.
• Strong communities are based on shared passion and reciprocity.
• Hosting events, starting groups, or nurturing causes builds community.
• Community leaders gain visibility and attract opportunities.

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Chapter 31 – The Humility Imperative

Ferrazzi stresses humility as the cornerstone of authentic networking. Without humility, generosity turns into manipulation. He shares lessons from personal failures where ego got in the way and relationships suffered.

Main Ideas:

• Humility ensures authenticity in relationships .
• Ego and arrogance alienate potential allies.
• Acknowledge others’ contributions openly.
• Be willing to learn from everyone, regardless of status.
• Humility strengthens trust and fosters collaboration.

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Chapter 32 – Make Your Mission a Movement

The highest level of networking comes when your mission transcends personal gain and becomes a movement others want to join. Ferrazzi encourages aligning your career with larger causes that inspire others.

Main Ideas:

• A mission > a career—it can become a movement .
• People rally behind bold, meaningful visions.
• Frame your goals as part of something larger than yourself.
• Successful leaders mobilize communities around shared ideals.
• Movements attract loyalty, energy, and sustained growth.

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Chapter 33 – Just Do It

Ferrazzi concludes with a call to action: don’t wait until conditions are perfect to begin networking generously and authentically. Progress comes from starting small, being consistent, and building momentum.

Main Ideas:

• Don’t overthink—start now .
• Networking skills grow with practice and persistence.
• Small, consistent actions compound into big results.
• The perfect time to connect is always now.
• Execution matters more than ideas without follow-through.

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Key Takeaways from Chapters 28–33

• Writing and media expand credibility and visibility far beyond personal circles.
• Community building multiplies influence and fosters belonging.
• Humility keeps relationships authentic and strong.
• Movements inspire people to join and contribute to causes larger than one individual.
• Action now beats waiting for the perfect time—consistency is the secret.

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RAP Worksheet

Highlights

SUCCESS IN LIFE = (THE PEOPLE YOU MEET) + (WHAT YOU CREATE TOGETHER). (Page 11)

SECTION 1 (Page 14)

The Mind-Set (Page 15)

CHAPTER 1 Becoming a Member of the Club (Page 16)

Relationships are all there is. Everything in the universe only exists because it is in relationship to everything else. Nothing exists in isolation. We have to stop pretending we are individuals that can go it alone. —Margaret Wheatley (Page 16)

Success in any field, but especially in business, is about working with people, not against them. No tabulation of dollars and cents can account for one immutable fact: Business is a human enterprise, driven and determined by people. (Page 19)

Over time, I came to see reaching out to people as a way to make a difference in people’s lives as well as a way to explore and learn and enrich my own; it became the conscious construction of my life’s path. Once I saw my networking efforts in this light, I gave myself permission to practice it with abandon in every part of my professional and personal life. I didn’t think of this behavior as cold and impersonal, the way I thought of “networking.” I was, instead, connecting—sharing my knowledge and resources, time and energy, friends and associates, and empathy and compassion in a continual effort to provide value to others, while coincidentally increasing my own. Like business itself, being a connector is not about managing transactions, but about managing relationships. (Page 19)

I’ve come to believe that connecting is one of the most important business—and life—skill sets you’ll ever learn. Why? Because, flat out, people do business with people they know and like. (Page 20)

I learned that real networking was about finding ways to make other people more successful. It was about working hard to give more than you get. And I came to believe that there was a litany of tough-minded principles that made this softhearted philosophy possible. (Page 21)

Of course, building a web of relationships isn’t the only thing you need to do to be successful. But building a career, and a life, with the help and support of friends and family and associates has some incredible virtues. 1. It’s never boring. Time-consuming, sometimes; demanding, perhaps. But dull, never. You’re always learning about yourself, other people, business, and the world, and it feels great. 2. A relationship-driven career is good for the companies you work for because everyone benefits from your own growth—it’s the value you bring that makes people want to connect with you. You feel satisfaction when both your peers and your organization share in your advancement. 3. Connecting—with the support, flexibility, and opportunities for selfdevelopment that come along with it—happens to make a great deal of sense in our new work world. The loyalty and security once offered by (Page 23)

organizations can be provided by our own networks. Lifetime corporate employment is dead; we’re all free agents now, managing our own careers across multiple jobs and companies. And because today’s primary currency is information, a wide-reaching network is one of the surest ways to become and remain thought leaders of our respective fields. (Page 24)

CHAPTER 2 Don’t Keep Score (Page 25)

There is no such thing as a “self-made” man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success. —George Burton Adams (Page 25)

We live in an interdependent world. Flattened organizations seek out strategic alliances at every turn. Those who make up a growing pool of free agents are finding they need to work with others to accomplish their goals. More than ever before, zero-sum scenarios where only one party wins often mean, in the long run, that both parties will lose. Win-win has become a necessary reality in a networked world. In a hyper-connected marketplace, cooperation is gaining ground on competition (Page 27)

Where employees once found generosity and loyalty in the companies we worked for, today we must find them in a web of our own relationships. It isn’t the blind loyalty and generosity we once gave to a corporation. It’s a more personal kind of loyalty and generosity, one given to your colleagues, your team, your friends, your customers (Page 27)

As Wired magazine put it in a 2010 cover story, “The secret to health and happiness? Healthy and happy friends … A half century of medical data [has] revealed the infectious power of social networks.” Sadly, plenty of people bury their heads in the sand and try to function as if it were still 1950. We have a tendency to romanticize independence and see autonomy as a virtue. In my experience, such a view is a career killer. Autonomy is a life vest made out of sand. Independent people who do not have the skills to think and act interdependently may still be good individual producers, but they won’t be seen as good leaders or team players. Their careers will begin to stutter and stall before too long. (Page 28)

His statement flew in the face of everything I knew. He thought of relationships as finite, like a pie that can be cut into only so many pieces. Take a piece away, and there was that much less for him. I knew, however, that relationships are more like muscles—the more you work them, the stronger they become. (Page 29)

My point is this: Relationships are solidified by trust. Institutions are built on it. You gain trust by asking not what people can do for you, to paraphrase an earlier Kennedy, but what you can do for others. (Page 30)

the currency of real networking is not greed but generosity. (Page 30)

several fundamental insights and observations: (Page 31)

1. Business cycles ebb and flow; your friends and trusted associates remain. (Page 31)

Job security? Experience will not save you in hard times, nor will hard work or talent. If you need a job, money, advice, help, hope, or a means to make a sale, there’s only one surefire, fail-safe place to find it—within your extended circle of friends and associates. (Page 31)

2. There’s no need to ponder whether it’s their lunch or yours. There’s no point in keeping track of favors done and owed. Who cares? (Page 31)

Bottom line: It’s better to give before you receive. And never keep score. If your interactions are ruled by generosity, your rewards will follow suit. (Page 31)

3. The business world is a fluid, competitive landscape; yesterday’s assistant is today’s influence peddler. Many of the young men and women who used to answer my phones now thankfully take my calls. Remember, it’s easier to get ahead in the world when those below you are happy to help you get ahead, rather than hoping for your downfall. (Page 31)

Each of us is now a brand. Gone are the days where your value as an employee was limited to your loyalty and seniority. Companies use branding to develop strong, enduring relationships with customers. In today’s fluid economy, you must do the same with your network. (Page 31)

4. Contribute. It’s like Miracle-Gro for networks. Give your time, money, and expertise to your growing community of friends. (Page 32)

CHAPTER 3 What’s Your Mission? (Page 33)

Step One: Find Your Passion (Page 35)

1. Look inside (Page 36)

The important thing when conducting an internal review is to do without the constraints, without the doubts, fears, and expectations of what you “should” be doing. You have to be able to set aside the obstacles of time, money, and obligation. (Page 36)

2. Look outside (Page 37)

Next, ask the people who know you best what they think your greatest strengths and weaknesses are. Ask them what they admire about you and what areas you may need help in. (Page 37)

Disciplined dreamers all have one thing in common: a mission. The mission is often risky, unconventional, and most likely tough as hell to achieve. But it is possible. The kind of discipline that turns a dream into a mission, and a mission into a reality, really just comes down to a process of setting goals. (Page 38)

Step Two: Putting Goals to Paper (Page 39)

The tool I use is something I call the Relationship Action Plan. (Page 39)

The most simple version of the plan is separated into three distinct parts: The first part is devoted to the development of the goals that will help you fulfill your mission. The second part is devoted to connecting those goals to the people, places, and things that will help you get the job done. And the third part helps you determine the best way to reach out to the people who will help you to accomplish your goals. This means choosing a medium to connect, but, more important, it means finding a way to lead with generosity. (Page 39)

Here are a few other criteria to consider when filling out your Relationship Action Plan, or RAP: (Page 41)

Your goals must be specific. (Page 41)

Your goals must be believable. (Page 41)

Your goals must be challenging and demanding. (Page 41)

Step Three: Create a Personal “Board of Advisors” (Page 43)

It helps to have an enlightened counselor, or two or three, to act as both cheerleader and eagle-eyed supervisor, who will hold you accountable. I call this group my personal board of advisors. It may be made up of family members; perhaps someone who’s been a mentor to you; even an old friend or two. (Page 43)

What Heller is referring to is Clinton’s unique ability to create an almost instantaneous intimacy with whomever he’s talking to. Clinton doesn’t just recall your personal information; he uses the information as a means to affirm a bond with you. From Clinton, two lessons are clear: First, the more specific you are about where you want to go in life, the easier it becomes to develop a networking strategy to get there. Second, be sensitive to making a real connection in your interactions with others. There is almost an expectation among us that whoever becomes rich or powerful can be forgiven for highhanded behavior. Clinton illustrates how charming and popular you can become, and remain, when you treat everyone you meet with sincerity. (Page 49)

CHAPTER 4 Build It Before You Need It (Page 50)

The great myth of networking is that you start reaching out to others only when you need something like a job. In reality, people who have the largest circle of contacts, mentors, and friends know that you must reach out to others long before you need anything at all. (Page 50)

“The most important thing is to get to know these people as friends, not potential customers,” I said. “Though you’re right about one thing: No matter how friendly you are, if the people you approach are any good at what they do, they won’t hire you right off the bat to do their PR. Which is why you should offer your services for free—at least at first. For instance, maybe you can volunteer your time to a nonprofit organization they’re involved in, or aid in publicizing a school fund-raiser their kids are involved in.” (Page 51)

Right now, there are countless ways you can begin to create the kind of community that can help further your career. You can: (1) create a companyapproved project that will force you to learn new skills and introduce you to new people within your company; (2) take on leadership positions in the hobbies and outside organizations that interest you; (3) join your local alumni club and spend time with people who are doing the jobs you’d like to be doing; (4) enroll in a class at a community college on a subject that relates to either the job you’re doing now or a job you see yourself doing in the future. (Page 52)

There are a number of things that you can do to harness the power of your preexisting network. Have you investigated the friends and contacts of your parents? How about your siblings? Your friends from college and grad school? What about your church, bowling league, or gym? How about your doctor or lawyer or Realtor or broker? (Page 53)

The big hurdles of networking revolve around the cold calls, the meeting of new people, and all the activities that involve engaging the unknown. But the first step has nothing to do with strangers; you should start connecting with the people you do know. Focus on your immediate network: friends of friends, old acquaintances from school, and family. I suspect you’ve never asked your cousins, brothers, or brothers-in-law if they know anyone whom they could introduce you to to help fulfill your goals. (Page 53)

CHAPTER 5 The Genius of Audacity (Page 54)

Seize this very minute; what you can do, or dream you can, begin it; Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (Page 54)

Here are a few things you can do today to make good on that commitment and get more comfortable at being audacious in social situations: (Page 57)

• Find a role model. (Page 57)

• Learn to speak (Page 57)

Toastmasters Club (Page 58)

• Get involved. (Page 58)

Any hobby is an opportunity to get involved: stamp collecting, singing, sports, literature. Clubs develop around all of these interests. Join up. Become an active member. When you feel up to it, become one of the leaders of the group. This last step is crucial. Being a leader in life takes practice—so practice! The possibilities for making new contacts and reaching out to others will grow and grow (Page 58)

• Get therapy (Page 58)

• Just do it (Page 58)

Set a goal for yourself of initiating a meeting with one new person a week. (Page 58)

CHAPTER 6 The Networking Jerk (Page 61)

He is the man or she is the woman with a martini in one hand, business cards in the other, and a pre-rehearsed elevator pitch always at the ready. He or she is a schmooze artist, eyes darting at every event in a constant search for a bigger fish to fry. He or she is the insincere, ruthlessly ambitious glad-hander you don’t want to become. (Page 61)

1. Don’t schmooze (Page 63)

Have something to say, and say it with passion. Make sure you have something to offer when you speak, and offer it with sincerity. Most people haven’t figured out that it’s better to spend more time with fewer people at a one-hour get-together, and have one or two meaningful dialogues, than engage in the wandering-eye routine and lose the respect of most of the people you meet. (Page 63)

2. Don’t rely on the currency of gossip (Page 63)
3. Don’t come to the party empty-handed (Page 63)

In connecting, online and off, you’re only as good as what you give away. (Page 64)

4. Don’t treat those under you poorly (Page 64)
5. Be transparent (Page 64)

People respond with trust when they know you’re dealing straight with them. (Page 64)

6. Don’t be too efficient (Page 64)

Nothing comes off as less sincere than receiving a mass e-mail addressed to a long list of recipients. Reaching out to others is not a numbers game. Your goal is to make genuine connections with people you can count on. (Page 65)

All of which reveals an inner truth about the skill of reaching out to others: Those who are best at it don’t network—they make friends. They gain admirers and win trust precisely because their amicable overtures extend to everyone. A widening circle of influence is an unintended result, not a calculated aim. (Page 67)

SECTION 2 (Page 68)

The Skill Set (Page 69)

CHAPTER 7 Do Your Homework (Page 70)

Whom you meet, how you meet them, and what they think of you afterward should not be left to chance. As Winston Churchill would tell us, preparation is—if not the key to genius—then at least the key to sounding like a genius. Before I meet with any new people I’ve been thinking of introducing myself to, I research who they are and what their business is. I find out what’s important to them: their hobbies, challenges, goals—inside their business and out. Before the meeting, I generally prepare, or have my assistant prepare, a one-page synopsis on the person I’m about to meet. The only criterion for what should be included is that I want to know what this person is like as a human being, what he or she feels strongly about, and what his or her proudest achievements are. (Page 70)

Sure, you should also be up-to-date on what’s happening within the company of a person you want to establish a relationship with. Did the person have a good or bad quarter? Does the company have a new product? Trust me, all people naturally care, generally above and beyond anything else, about what it is they do. If you are informed enough to step comfortably into their world and talk knowledgeably, their appreciation will be tangible. As William James wrote: “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” (Page 70)

William James wrote: “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” (Page 70)

A master politician like Winston Churchill planned his public encounters in the same way. Churchill today is known as an oratory genius, master of the art of repartee—the kind of fantastic dinner guest who captures everyone’s undivided attention. What is less known—but which Churchill acknowledged in his own writing—is the blood, sweat, and tears of preparation that went into the making of a single sentence or the delivery of a clever joke. Churchill realized the power of knowing his audience and knowing how to push their buttons. (Page 73)

I never shy away from mentioning the research I’ve done. “I always make a special effort to inquire about the people I’d like to meet.” (Page 74)

CHAPTER 8 Take Names (Page 76)

next step is to identify the people who can help you get there. (Page 76)

“The problem isn’t information overload, it’s filter failure.” (Page 76)

Our challenge these days is to figure out, in the mass of contacts we’ve collected, which ones matter. (Page 76)

To make these goals possible, I mapped out the most important players in both the online and games industries, from CEOs and journalists to programmers and academics. My goal was to get to know almost all of them within a year. (Page 77)

To create excitement around our product, I wrote down a list of people I called “influentials”: the early adopters, journalists, and industry analysts who help spread the initial buzz about a product or service. Next, I made a list of potential customers, potential acquirers, and people who might be interested in funding us down the road. (In creating your own categories, each should correspond to your own goals.) (Page 77)

When you make such lists, it’s important you name the actual decision makers, and not just an organization. The point here is to have a readily accessible and specific list of names. At the outset, concentrate on the people who are already part of your existing network. I bet you have no idea how vast and widespread it really is. Take the time to list people such as: Relatives Friends of relatives All your spouse’s relatives and contacts Current colleagues Members of professional and social organizations Current and former customers and clients Parents of your children’s friends Neighbors, past and present People you went to school with People you have worked with in the past People in your religious congregation Former teachers and employers People you socialize with People who provide services to you People with whom you interact on Facebook Other online connections in social media or community groups (Page 78)

I then create call sheets by region, listing the people I know and those I want to know. A variety of contact aggregators make it easy to sort your lists. When I’m in a given town, I’ll try to phone as many people as I can. (Page 78)

I carry these lists around with me wherever I go. They focus my efforts in cabs between meetings. I have something palpable to encourage me to reach out. If paper’s not for you, you can do the same thing with any number of mobile apps. Some of the lists you create will be related to your action plans; others are more general, helping you to stay connected. The way you (Page 78)

organize your lists can be fluid. I have lists by geographical location, by industry, by activity (other runners, for instance, or people who like to go out on the town), whether they’re an acquaintance or friend, and so on. (Page 79)

One great resource for making lists is—it almost sounds absurd—other people’s lists. Newspapers and magazines do rankings of this sort all the time. (Page 79)

My friend was missing the true genius of LinkedIn: the ability to comprehensively map not just your network, but the networks of entire industries. You’ve got to take the long view. Search its more than 200 (Page 79)

million users by any keyword you can think of. Every profile you visit displays “People Similar to [Contact]” and a handy map of that person’s network that you can sort by company, region, and so on. And the site immediately tells you whether you share connections with any given person. (Page 80)

It’s the Holy Grail of networking! If you haven’t recently taken time to connect to people on LinkedIn, mark down two hours on your calendar this week to send out personalized invites to as many people in your network as you have time for. You’ll be surprised at how many new conversations you can start by making a simple LinkedIn request. (Page 80)

There’s another category you might want to add, something I call my “aspirational contacts.” There are those extremely high-level people who have nothing to do with my business at hand but are just, well, interesting or successful or both. The people on that list may be anyone from heads of state and media moguls, to artists and actors, to people others speak highly of. I list these people, too. (Page 80)

CHAPTER 9 Warming the Cold Call (Page 81)

First, it’s all about attitude. Your attitude. You’re never going to be completely ready to meet new people; there is no perfect moment. Your fears will never be completely quieted, because inviting rejection is never going to be appealing. There are always a hundred reasons to procrastinate. The trick is just to plunge right in. Remember, if you don’t believe you are going to get what you want from the call, you probably won’t. So, in the words of Caddy Shack, “Be the ball.” You have to envision yourself winning to win. (Page 81)

And second, cold calls are for suckers. I don’t call cold—ever. (Page 81)

1. Draft off a reference. (Page 84)

You can see the total lack of credibility one has when making a cold call. Credibility is the first thing you want to establish in any interaction, and, ultimately, no one will buy from you unless you establish trust. Having a mutual friend or even acquaintance will immediately make you stand out from the other anonymous individuals vying for a piece of someone’s time. (Page 84)

Our task, then, is to tap our network of friends, family, clients, neighbors, classmates, associates, and church members to find a path back to the person we’re trying to reach. When you mention someone both of you have in common, all of a sudden the person you’re calling has an obligation not only to you but also to the friend or associate you just mentioned. (Page 84)

2. State your value. (Page 85)

Once you have someone’s commitment to hear you out for thirty seconds, you’ll need to be prepared to deliver a high-value proposition. You’ve got very little time to articulate why that person should not try to get off the phone as quickly as possible. Remember, it’s all about them. What can you do for them? (Page 85)

When researching for a connection to the people you want to meet, first do some reconnaissance about the company and industry they’re selling in. Selling is, reduced to its essence, solving another person’s problems. And you can do that only when you know what those problems are. (Page 85)

I can cut through the clutter of other cold calls by personalizing my call with specific information that shows I’m interested enough in their success to have done some homework. (Page 85)

3. Talk a little, say a lot. Make it quick, convenient, and definitive. (Page 85)

You want to impart both a sense of urgency and a sense of convenience. Instead of closing with “We should get together sometime soon,” I like to finalize with something like “I’m going to be in town next week. How about lunch on Tuesday? I know this is going to be important for both of us, so I’ll make time no matter what.” (Page 86)

If you launch into a long sales pitch without finding out the other person’s thoughts, you can turn them off immediately. It is a dialogue, not a scripted monologue. Even my fifteen-second intro above left time for the casual “uh-huh, yes” or “hmm” from the other person. Don’t ever talk at someone. Give them time to come along with you. (Page 86)

Remember, in most instances, the sole objective of the cold call is, ultimately, to get an appointment where you can discuss the proposition in more detail, not to close the sale. In my experience, deals, like friendships, are made only one-on-one, face-to-face. Take as little time as possible in your cold call to ensure that the next time you speak to them it’s in their office, or better yet, over some linguine and wine. (Page 86)

4. Offer a compromise. (Page 86)

So remember, try for a lot—it will help you settle for what it is you really need. (Page 86)

Warming It Up Virtually (Page 87)

My soapbox aside, the first rule of new interactions is to meet someone on their terms, wherever they’re most likely to listen. If they want e-mail, you give them e-mail. (Page 87)

“warm” e-mails. (Page 87)

Live and die by your Subject line (Page 87)

Game the timing (Page 87)

Be brief. (Page 87)

Have a clear call to action. What do you want them to do? Make your first request clear and easy. Request fifteen minutes on the phone, not just a vague phone call. Offer suggested dates and times, not just “a meeting sometime.” Short-circuit the process as much as you can, and don’t make them guess what you’re looking for. (Page 87)

Read it out loud (Page 87)

Spell-check. (Page 87)

CHAPTER 10 Managing the Gatekeeper—Artfully (Page 89)

assistant like Mary has enormous power. Secretaries and assistants are more than just helpful associates to their bosses. If they are any good, they become trusted friends, advocates, and integral parts of their professional, and even personal, lives. (Page 91)

As important as gatekeepers are within an organization, they’re that much more important when you’re working from the outside. (Page 91)

CHAPTER 11 Never Eat Alone (Page 95)

The dynamics of a network are similar to those of a would-be celebrity in Hollywood: Invisibility is a fate far worse than failure. It means that you should always be reaching out to others—over breakfast, lunch, whatever. It means that if one meeting happens to go sour, you have six other engagements lined up just like it the rest of the week. (Page 95)

In building a network, remember: Above all, never, ever disappear. (Page 95)

Keep your social and conference and event calendars full. As an up-andcomer, you must work hard to remain visible and active among your everbudding network of friends and contacts. (Page 95)

Building a network of friends and colleagues is about building relationships and friendships. It should be fun, not time-consuming. When your network is set, your goals written down, you’ll find plenty of hours during the day to do what needs to be done. (Page 96)

How do I meet everyone I want to meet during the course of a week? Someone once remarked cynically, “I’d have to clone myself to take all the meetings you take.” “Ah, you’re onto something,” I responded. “I don’t clone myself. I clone the event.” (Page 96)

I “cloned” the dinner and invited all of them to join me. (Page 97)

The point is, I’m constantly looking to include others in whatever I’m doing. It’s good for them, good for me, and good for everyone to broaden their circle of friends. Sometimes I’ll take potential employees for a workout and conduct the interview over a run. As a makeshift staff meeting, I’ll occasionally ask a few employees to share a car ride with me to the airport. I figure out ways to as much as triple my active working day through such multitasking. And in the process, I’m connecting people from different parts of my “community.” (Page 97)

Such cloning is also a good way to ensure that a meeting or get-together is worthwhile. If I’m meeting someone whom I don’t know that well, I might invite someone I do know just to make sure the meeting does not become a waste of time. My mentees, for instance, get a special kick out of sitting in on such meetings—and it can be a great learning opportunity. It gets them face time with me, they get a chance to see business in action, and I make sure our reason for the meeting gets accomplished. In most cases, the mentees end up contributing something to the meeting as well. Don’t underestimate young people’s ability to find creative new insight. (Page 97)

One of the most frequent questions I’ve gotten over the years is how to stay “visible” when your business dealings are mostly virtual. Whether you’re in Kansas or Kuala Lumpur, satellite workers need to take some extra care to keep up their contacts. Social media is your friend, to be sure, but it’s not the same as sitting with people, talking, and catching up. The more bloated our virtual communities become, the more that people are going to use in-person contact as a filter for true relevance. I highly recommend you budget some time and money for conferences, and to visit cities where you can schedule a few days or even just an overnight during which you host a cocktail party or schedule a bunch of meetings. (Page 98)

That said, technology has come a long way. Group meetings and one-onones using a tool like Google Hangouts, WebEx, or Skype can make you feel almost like you’re in a room together, once you get comfortable using them. Host a “virtual happy hour” once a month and organize it around a discussion topic. Or set up a weekly accountability group of three to four people who set goals together and share quick personal and professional updates. Have everyone commit to three months, and then rebuild the group as people come and go each quarter. Once a month, ask group members to bring a friend to introduce to the group. (Page 98)

CHAPTER 12 Share Your Passions (Page 100)

When it comes to meeting people, it’s not only whom you get to know but also how and where you get to know them. (Page 100)

Flying first class (Page 100)

I can’t tell you how many valuable clients and contacts I’ve met during a conversation struck up during an in-flight meal. (By the way, this is the only acceptable time to bother your seatmate.) (Page 100)

At a so-called “networking event,” the dynamics are just the opposite. People assume you’re in the same boat they are—desperate. Credibility is hard to gain. If you’re jobless, doesn’t it make more sense to hang with the job givers than fellow job seekers? (Page 101)

Shared interests are the basic building blocks of any relationship. Race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, or business, professional, and personal interests are relational glue. It makes sense, then, that events and activities where you’ll thrive are those built around interests you’re most passionate about. (Page 101)

When we are truly passionate about something, it’s contagious. Our passion draws other people to who we are and what we care about. Others respond by letting their guard down. Which is why sharing your passion is important in business. (Page 102)

Make a list of the things you’re most passionate about. Use your passions as a guide to which activities and events you should be seeking out. Use them to engage new and old contacts. If you love baseball, for example, take potential and current clients to a ball game, or invite them to join you in a fantasy league. It doesn’t matter what you do, only that it’s something you love doing. Your passions and the events you build around them will create deeper levels of intimacy. Pay attention to matching the event to the particular relationship you’re trying to build. I’ve got an informal list of activities I use to keep in touch with my business and personal friends. Here are some things I like to do: (Page 103)

1. Fifteen minutes and a cup of coffee. It’s quick, it’s out of the office, and it’s a great way to meet someone new. This proved one of my most popular recommendations from the first edition of this book. I know, because I started getting dozens of requests a week for these meetings. So remember my earlier advice: Make sure you lay out very clearly why those fifteen minutes will be valuable to them. 2. Conferences. If I’m attending a conference in, say, Seattle, I’ll pull out a list of people in the area I know or would like to know better and see if they might like to drop in for a particularly interesting keynote speech or dinner. 3. Invite someone to share a workout or a hobby (golf, chess, stamp collecting, a book club, etc.). 4. A quick early breakfast, lunch, drinks after work, or dinner together. There’s nothing like food to break the ice. 5. Invite someone to a special event. For me, a special event such as an evening at the theater, a book-signing party, or a concert is made even (Page 103)

more special if I bring along a few people who I think might particularly enjoy the occasion. 6. Entertaining at home. I view dinner parties at home as sacred. I like to make these events as intimate as possible. To ensure they stay that way, I generally will invite only one or two people I don’t know that well. By dinner’s end, I want those people leaving my home feeling as if they’ve made a whole new set of friends, and that’s hard to do if it’s a dinner filled with strangers. 7. Volunteering. Work with an organization to create a day of service that can involve five to ten volunteers, or pull together a team to join a charity walk. Or, for something more informal, pull a group together to pack lunches and distribute them in an area where you know you’ll find many people in need. (Page 104)

CHAPTER 13 Follow Up or Fail (Page 105)

When you meet someone with whom you want to establish a relationship, take the extra little step to ensure you won’t be lost in their mental attic. (Page 105)

The most memorable gifts I have ever received are those whose value could not be measured in terms of dollars and cents. They are the heartfelt letters, e-mails, and cards I receive from people thanking me for guidance and advice. (Page 106)

Good follow-up alone elevates you above 95 percent of your peers. (Page 106)

FOLLOW-UP IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS IN ANY FIELD. (Page 106)

Give yourself between twelve and twenty-four hours after you meet someone to follow up. If you meet somebody on a plane, send them an email later that day. If you meet somebody over cocktails, send them an email the next morning. For random encounters and chance meetings, e-mail is a fine tool for dropping a quick note to say, “It was a pleasure meeting you. We must keep in touch.” In such an e-mail, I like to cite something particular we talked about in the course of our conversation—whether a shared hobby or business interest—that serves as a mental reminder of who I am. (Page 106)

In his followup, he always reiterates the commitments everyone has made, and asks when a second follow-up meeting can be arranged. (Page 106)

When the other person has agreed to do something, whether it’s meeting for coffee next time you’re in town or signing a major deal, try to get it in writing. (Page 107)

Here are a few more reminders of what to include in your follow-ups: • Always express your gratitude. • Be sure to include an item of interest from your meeting or conversation—a joke or a shared moment of humor. • Reaffirm whatever commitments you both made—going both ways. (Page 107)

• Be brief and to the point. • Always address the thank-you note to the person by name. • Use e-mail and snail mail. The combination adds a personalized touch. • After e-mailing, send requests to connect through social media. • Timeliness is key. Send them as soon as possible after the meeting or interview. • Many people wait until the holidays to say thank you or reach out. Why wait? Your follow-ups will be timelier, more appropriate, and certainly better remembered. • Don’t forget to follow up with those who have acted as the gobetween for you and someone else. Let the original referrer know how the conversation went, and express your appreciation for their help. (Page 108)

Make follow-up a habit. Make it automatic. When you do, the days of struggling to remember people’s names—and of other people struggling to remember yours—will be a thing of the past. (Page 108)

CHAPTER 14 Be a Conference Commando (Page 109)

Conferences are good for mainly one thing. No, it’s not the coffee and cookies at breaks. It’s not even pricey business enlightenment. They provide a forum to meet the kind of like-minded people who can help you fulfill your mission and goals. Before deciding to attend a conference, I sometimes informally go so far as using a simple return-on-investment-type thought process. (Page 109)

Help the Organizer (Better Yet, Be the Organizer) (Page 112)

Listen. Better Yet, Speak (Page 114)

To all you introverts: “Don’t think of introversion as something that needs to be cured,” as Caine wrote in Quiet. Her performance at TED highlights two of the best ways for you to make an impact while protecting your downtime: speaking publicly and attending conferences. These are highimpact, short-term opportunities that may exhaust you, but will also potentially reward you with as many new contacts as the extroverts are generating by being out six nights a week. (Page 117)

Guerrilla Warfare: Organize a Conference Within a Conference (Page 118)

CHAPTER 15 Connecting with Connectors (Page 131)

Call them super-connectors. We all know at least one person like this individual, who seems to know everybody and whom everybody seems to know. You’ll find a disproportionate amount of super-connectors as headhunters, lobbyists, fund-raisers, politicians, journalists, and public relations specialists, because such positions require these folks’ innate abilities. I am going to argue that such people should be the cornerstones to any flourishing network. (Page 131)

Granovetter discovered that 56 percent of those surveyed found their current job through a personal connection. Only 19 percent used what we consider traditional job-searching routes, like newspaper job listings and (Page 131)

executive recruiters. Roughly 10 percent applied directly to an employer and obtained the job. (Page 132)

As Malcolm Gladwell wrote, “Acquaintances, in short, represent a source of social power, and the more acquaintances you have, the more powerful you are.” (Page 132)

1. Restaurateurs (Page 133)

When in a new city, I generally ask people to give me a list of a few of the hottest (and most established) restaurants. I like to call ahead and ask to speak with the owner (though the maître d’ will do) and tell them that I go out regularly, sometimes in large parties, and I’m looking for a new place to entertain, a lot! If you don’t go out as often as I do, find one or two restaurants that you enjoy and frequent them when you do go out. Become a regular. Make a point of meeting the staff. When you’re entertaining for work, bring others there. When you have to cater an event, use them. (Page 134)

2. Headhunters (Page 134)

I keep a file of headhunters: who they are and what they’re looking for. And I return every call from them, helping to tap my network to find people for their jobs. I know they’ll help me with access to some of their clients when I need their help. After all, they are in the networking business! (Page 135)

3. Lobbyists (Page 135)
4. Fund-raisers (Page 136)
5. Public relations people (Page 136)
6. Politicians (Page 136)
7. Journalists (Page 137)
8. Authors, bloggers, and gurus (Page 137)

Historians say Revere was blessed with an “uncanny genius for being at the center of events.” But it doesn’t take genius for that—just involvement and active interest in your community and a friendship (or two) with a connector. (Page 140)

CHAPTER 16 Expanding Your Circle (Page 141)

The most efficient way to enlarge and tap the full potential of your circle of friends is, quite simply, to connect your circle with someone else’s. I don’t think of a network of people as a “net,” into which you wrangle contacts like a school of struggling cod. Think of it instead as an interconnecting series of links in which each link works collaboratively to strengthen and expand the overall community. (Page 141)

Two quick rules of thumb: 1. You and the person you are sharing contacts with must be equal partners who give as much as you get. 2. You must be able to trust your partners because, after all, you’re vouching for them, and their behavior with your network is a reflection on you. (Page 143)

CHAPTER 17 The Art of Small Talk (Page 144)

The one trait that was common among the class’s most accomplished graduates was “verbal fluency.” (Page 145)

As Harrell’s study confirmed, the more successfully you use language, the faster you can get ahead in life. (Page 145)

Adjust Your Johari Window (Page 155)

The Johari Window is a model, invented by two American psychologists, that provides insight into how much people reveal of themselves. Some people are introverted, revealing little; they keep their window relatively closed. Other people are extroverted, revealing a great deal and keeping their windows open. These tendencies also fluctuate in different environments. In new and strange situations, with people we are unfamiliar with, our window remains small; we reveal little and expect others to do the same. If, on the other hand, the climate is safe and trusting, with others that are similar to us, we share more of ourselves. Our windows open wider. (Page 155)

SECTION 3 (Page 163)

Turning Connections into Compatriots (Page 164)

In my initial conversation with someone I’m just getting to know, whether it’s a new mentee or simply a new business contact, I try to find out what motivations drive that person. It often comes down to one of three things: making money, finding love, or changing the world. You laugh—most people do when confronted with the reality of their deepest desires. (Page 165)

The only way to get people to do anything is to recognize their importance and thereby make them feel important. Every person’s deepest lifelong desire is to be significant and to be recognized. (Page 166)

“Keith,” he said, “there are three things in this world that engender deep emotional bonds between people. They are health, wealth, and children.” (Page 168)

When you help someone through a health issue, positively impact someone’s personal wealth, or take a sincere interest in their children, you engender life-bonding loyalty. (Page 168)

People’s children mean everything to them. I take it upon myself to mentor kids. It’s fun, it’s helpful, and teaching is the finest method I know for learning. The loyalty I’ve gained from placing a person’s child in an internship, whether at my company or a friend’s company, is immeasurable. (Page 170)

Grant’s explanation for how they do it provides a few useful crib notes to guide you in purposeful giving: (Page 172)

• Give to Givers: Smart givers recognize takers and are cautious about giving to them, preferring to focus their efforts on those who might pay it forward. • Feed Your Network First: They channel giving to bolster their social ties—in other words, they are aware of the need to nurture their own networks. • Calendar Time for Giving: They “consolidate their giving” into chunks of energy and attention, which increases their sense of gratification and allows them to protect other time for productive work on their own projects. (Page 173)

CHAPTER 19 Social Arbitrage (Page 174)

“Stop driving yourself—and everyone else—crazy thinking about how to make yourself successful. Start thinking about how you’re going to make everyone around you successful.” (Page 174)

How does this work? Think of it as a game. When someone mentions a problem, try to think of solutions. The solutions come from my experience and knowledge, and my tool kit of friends and associates (Page 175)

We’ll talk more about creating good content later, but book summaries and reviews, events calendars, and op-eds are all easy ways to package and share knowledge. But if, for example, you’re going to do a book summary, don’t just write for an audience of “businesspeople” and send it to your entire company. Instead, write it specifically for, say, the sales team of which you’re a member, with its specific challenges and preferences in mind. It’ll be a smaller group, but I guarantee greater impact. Presto! You’re now a knowledge broker. (Page 178)

You can be more successful in two months by becoming really interested in other people’s success than you can in two years trying to get other people interested in your own success. (Page 179)

CHAPTER 20 Pinging—All the Time (Page 182)

I call it “pinging.” It’s a quick, casual greeting, and it can be done in any number of creative ways. Once you develop your own style, you’ll find it easier to stay in touch with more people than you ever dreamed of in less time than you ever imagined. (Page 182)

People you’re contacting to create a new relationship need to see or hear your name in at least three modes of communication—by, say, an e-mail, a phone call, and a face-to-face encounter—before there is substantive recognition. (Page 182)

• Once you have gained some early recognition, you need to nurture a developing relationship with a phone call or e-mail at least once a month. • If you want to transform a contact into a friend, you need a minimum of two face-to-face meetings out of the office. • Maintaining a secondary relationship requires two to three pings a year. • Social media pings (status updates, retweets, comments, etc.) are terrific for ongoing relationship maintenance, especially for the fringe of your network, but they don’t replace the need for one-to-one pinging with the people in your highest-priority network, those people connected to your current goals. (Page 183)

I make dozens of phone calls a day. Most of them are simply quick hellos that I leave on a friend’s voice mail. I also send e-mail constantly. Between my mobile and my tablet, I can do the majority of my pinging while in trains, planes, and automobiles. I remember —or at least my devices remember—personal events like birthdays and anniversaries, and I make a special point of reaching out to people during these times. (Page 183)

One way I’ve found to make maintaining my network of contacts, colleagues, and friends easier is to create a rating system for the network that corresponds to how often I reach out. First, I divide my network into five general categories: Under “Personal,” I include my good friends and social acquaintances. Because I’m generally in contact with these people organically, I don’t include them on a contact list. The relationship is established, and when we talk, it’s as if we’d been in touch every day. “Customers” and “Prospects” are self-explanatory. “Important Business Associates” is reserved for people I’m actively involved with professionally. (Page 183)

I’m either doing business with them currently or hoping to do business with them because they’re in my Relationship Action Plan. This is the missioncritical category. Under “Aspirational Contacts,” I list people I’d like to get to know, or I’ve met briefly (which is anyone from your boss’s boss to a worthy celebrity) and would like to establish a better relationship with. (Page 184)

A “1” gets contacted at least each month. This means I’m actively involved with the person, whether it’s a friend or a new business associate. With new relationships, a “1” generally means I have yet to solidify the relationship with at least three different forms of communication. Each time I reach out to a person, I like to include a very short note next to their name telling me the last time I contacted them and how. If last month I sent an email saying hello to a potential customer rated “1,” this month I’ll give a call. Also, contacts designated “1” I add to my cell phone’s Favorites list. It allows me quick reference and an easy way to get in touch fast. If I have a free moment in a cab, I’ll just go down my Favorites and make several calls or send texts to keep in touch with people I’ve not spoken to recently. (Page 184)

A “2” rating indicates my “touch base” people. These are either casual acquaintances or people whom I already know well. They get a quarterly call or e-mail, and I monitor their social media updates to keep up with their news and find opportunities where I can be useful. I try to include these people in occasional mass e-mails about my business. And like the rest of my network, they get either an annual holiday card or a birthday call. (Page 184)

Those people rated “3” are people I don’t know well, who, because of time and circumstance, I’m unable to devote any significant energy to pinging. These people are strictly acquaintances, people I’ve met in passing but who have found their way into my address book. I hope to reach this group, in some direct way, at least once a year. The surprising thing about this category is that, because you don’t know the person all that well, when you do reach out with a card or e-mail, the reaction is wonderful. (Page 185)

My definition of spamming is sending out messaging that’s not relevant, timely, and either useful or entertaining to the people receiving it. Every message you send needs a gut check: How will this look coming into someone’s news feed or in-box? (Page 187)

Scrupulously update your lists so that you’re constantly focused on the people who are most important to you, and so that you are able to filter both outbound and inbound messages. You want to be getting everything your “1”s are putting out into their newstreams, daily; “2”s you may want to check in on only once a week or month; “3”s once a month or quarterly. Build these “tours” into your work schedule. (Page 187)

Your Most Important Pings Are Personal (Page 188)

The medium and message of a ping runs the gamut. There is the “I just called to say I care” ping that I use for closer contacts. Essentially, I want to convey the message “Hey, it’s been too long since we’ve spoken and I wanted you to know that I miss you, that you’re important to me.” And then there are the more professional versions of the above. But always try to make any message as personal as possible. (Page 188)

For people important to my career or business, I tend to favor the valueadd ping. Here I’m trying to provide something of value in my communication, recognizing when someone I know gets a promotion, or the company he or she runs has a good financial quarter, or he or she has a child. I also like to send relevant articles, short notes of advice, or other small tokens that convey that I am paying attention to what’s important to them and am eager to help. (Page 188)

My personal favorite pinging occasion remains birthdays. It used to be that as you got older, the people around you started forgetting your big day (mostly because they think they want to forget their own). Now that anyone active in social media receives ubiquitous reminders, most of us wake up to a hearty, network-wide congratulations on our public profiles on our birthdays. It’s honestly heartwarming—all that quantity feels good. But we still want quality, too, although people are quick to deny it. (Page 189)

CHAPTER 21 Find Anchor Tenants and Feed Them (Page 191)

It was in those days that I learned how powerful the art of throwing dinner parties could be in creating wonderful memories and strengthening relationships in the process. Today I can safely say my strongest links have been forged at the table. The companionable effects of breaking bread—not to mention drinking a few glasses of wine—bring people together. (Page 191)

Nearly once a month an array of different people from different worlds gathers at my home in Los Angeles or hotel suite in New York or a friend’s home in San Francisco to have fun, talk business, and meet new people. But I learned the art of throwing these events back in my dingy Cambridge apartment. (Page 192)

“anchor tenant.” (Page 192)

Every individual within a particular peer set has a bridge to someone outside his or her own group of friends. We all have, to some degree or another, developed relationships with older, wiser, more experienced people; they may be our mentors, our parents’ friends, our teachers, our rabbis and reverends, our bosses. (Page 192)

Identifying and inviting an anchor tenant to your dinner party isn’t hard. Someone you know probably has access and is close enough to such an individual that an invitation will be well received. You’ll discover who these people are by paying attention to your friends’ stories and taking notice of the one or two names that continually pop up. They tend to be the names of people who have had a positive influence on your friends’ lives. And it stands to reason that they can have the same effect on you. (Page 193)

Once you’ve identified a person outside your social circle and successfully invited him or her to a dinner, here’s an added little nuance that pays terrific dividends. Landing an anchor tenant isn’t about entertaining your dinnerparty regulars. They’ll come no matter what. But an anchor allows you to reach out beyond your circle in subsequent invitations and pull in people who wouldn’t otherwise attend. To put it in terms of the company cafeteria, now that you have the CEO eating lunch at the manager’s table, other executives will jump at the opportunity to eat at the table, too. (Page 193)

Once you’ve landed an anchor tenant, finding the right mix of people is critical. For me, the invitation list needs to be a mix of professional folks I want to do business with today, contacts I aspire to do business with down the road, and those I call “light attractors”—guests who are energetic, interesting, and willing to speak their mind. Of course, a local celebrity or two never hurts. And it goes without saying that you should have your friends and family present, as well. (Page 193)

Political columnist Arianna Huffington is one of my favorite dinner guests. She’s gracious, fun, and always outspoken. How did I land her? Through an intro from my friend Elana Weiss, who knew someone in Arianna’s office, I sent her an e-mail. I told her I was a big admirer and that I threw these very fun dinner parties in Los Angeles and she’d undoubtedly make them better. She showed up only for cocktails at first, had a great time, and has become a regular and a dear friend. (Page 194)

Six to ten guests, I’ve found, is the optimal number to invite to a dinner. I usually invite fourteen now, but that’s after a lot of practice. I also invite an extra six or so people to pop in before or come after for drinks and dessert. This group should be closer friends who won’t get offended about not being at the main event but will appreciate being part of the group nonetheless. Generally, when you invite someone to dinner, you get a 20 to 30 percent acceptance rate because of scheduling difficulties. When invitees say they cannot come because of another dinner or engagement, I often suggest they come before the dinner for drinks and appetizers, or even after, for dessert and drinks. (Page 194)

These “bonus guests” will arrive a little before dinner has concluded. I’ll have folding chairs at the ready so they can pull up next to the dinner table, have dessert, and chat with the guests. Just when most dinner parties tend to slip and people begin to look at their watches thinking about what time they have to get up in the morning, the energy level spikes with a whole new group. Suddenly, the dinner turns raucous again. (Page 194)

live piano player. (Page 194)

By the way, Thursdays are wonderful days for dinner parties. It doesn’t cut into people’s weekend plans and yet folks are willing to go a little late knowing that they have only one day left in the workweek. (Page 195)

1. Create a theme. (Page 196)

You can build a party around anything, really. It could be your mother’s meat loaf recipe, a holiday, black tie (used rarely, as we want people to be totally comfortable), vegan food, specific music—whatever you like. People will get jazzed when they know you’re being creative. (Page 196)

2. Use invitations. (Page 197)

Whether by phone, e-mail, or handwritten note, be sure to get your invites out early—at least a month in advance—so people can have a chance to plan accordingly—and so you’ll know who is and who is not coming. (Page 198)

3. Don’t be a kitchen slave. (Page 198)

If you can’t hire a caterer, either cook all the food ahead of time or just use takeout. If the food is good and the presentation snazzy, your guests will be impressed. (Page 198)

4. Create atmosphere. (Page 198)

Candles, flowers, dim lighting, and music set a good mood. Add a nice centerpiece to the dinner table. Get a young family member to walk around serving drinks if you don’t have a bartender or waiter. The point is to give your guests all the signals they need to understand that it’s time to enjoy. (Page 198)

5. Forget being formal. (Page 198)
6. Don’t seat couples together. (Page 199)

I like to set placeholders where I want people to sit. Each placeholder is a simple card with the guest’s name on it. If I have the time, I love to put an interesting question or joke on the back of the card that guests can use to break the ice with one another. Or you can go out and buy funny greeting cards just to make things interesting. (Page 199)

7. Relax. (Page 199)

Guests take their cues from the host—if you’re having fun, odds are that they will, too. The night of the party, your job is to enjoy all the fruits of your labor. That’s an order. (Page 199)

8. Host a virtual after-party. (Page 199)

After an event, send your thanks along with a few photos and party highlights around via e-mail (“Bcc”ing everyone) or a private link. This friendly follow-up helps to pour water on all the seeds of connection planted at the event, and prompts your guests to do their own follow-up. They’ll be thankful! (Page 199)

SECTION 4 (Page 200)

Connecting in the Digital Age (Page 201)

CHAPTER 22 Tap the Fringe (Page 202)

Become the Canary in the Mineshaft (Page 208)

To guarantee you’ll catch the information flu, create a dense network with yourself in the center. That’s exactly why venture guys want to buddy up with Scoble—he’s what Harvard Medical School professor Nicholas Christakis calls a “sensor,” meaning that he has the ideal network to ensure that he’ll be the first to catch wind of the next great start-up or cool new tech innovation. (Page 208)

Social media allows you to create a dense web of relationships within your industry that fans out in every direction, all conduits leading back to you. (Page 208)

The Growing Superpower of Weak Ties (Page 209)

You need your friends and what I call “lifelines,” deeply committed professional relationships, as much as ever. But when it comes to social media, the new “big win” isn’t in maintaining 250 relationships, but 25,000 relationships. (Page 209)

Turn the Volume Up (Page 210)

So go big—but create a structure to help you curate and filter, along with habits that distinguish signal from noise. And don’t follow just anyone. As Scoble has said of the people he’s following, “I knew why I wanted to follow them. I only follow early adapters, innovators, executives, or influencers in the tech industry. I don’t follow a lot of sports stars, I don’t follow a lot of movie stars, I don’t follow a lot of politicians.” (Page 210)

The trick is making the shift back and forth between the 50 or 150 folks who are front and center in your RAP, with whom you want to build real, intimate relationships, and that broader, scaled network that brings you new ideas and information. Technology makes it a lot easier to juggle both, so that when your RAP goals change, you’re able to draw from the larger network to shift the focus of your smaller network and nurture a different core group of relationships. You’re always building and keeping an ear on the larger network while focusing your relationship energies on a smaller group. (Page 210)

Emphasize Diversity (Page 212)

Network diversity, it turns out, boosts collective intelligence. (Page 212)

“The individuals in the high-IQ group might have been smarter, but when it came to measuring collective intelligence, diversity matters more than individual brainpower,” as Steven Berlin Johnson put it in his book Future Perfect. (Page 212)

The Best Online Filter Is Offline (Page 214)

The best online networking crosses back and forth between virtual and real without overemphasizing either. As a rule of thumb, let offline guide initial connections and use online interactions for maintenance. (Page 214)

Embrace Microcelebrity (Page 215)

So forget the Big Kahuna when you’re starting from scratch. Instead, spend your time trying to suss out tomorrow’s Big Kahuna. Don’t look where everybody else is looking, with all the typical filters—formal credentials, Twitter follower counts, expensive Web design. Instead, look for great ideas, uncommon smarts, fresh faces, and an openness to a two-way relationship. (Page 217)

Taming the LinkedIn Beast (Page 218)

Connect only to people whom you know enough about to feel confident introducing them to others in your network. They don’t need to have passed a background check, but they should be more than a random data point. You should be glad to help them out if they come to you for a quick favor—and you should feel comfortable doing the same. (Page 218)

Master the art of introductions on LinkedIn and you’ll quickly ascend to super-connector status. The site tracks first-, second-, and third-degree connections. That means it offers the potential of connecting to hundreds of thousands of new contacts—if you do so thoughtfully. In his book The StartUp of You, Reid suggests making at least one quality introduction a month. If you can make them valuable, I’d say double that! (Page 218)

CHAPTER 23 Become the King of Content (Page 221)

To build trust online, beyond that limited circle of people you can touch personally, you need to find a way to reveal your humanity in bits and bytes, and to do it so well that you could connect to someone if you were transmitting to them from outer space. (Page 221)

GENEROSITY + VULNERABILITY + ACCOUNTABILITY + CANDOR = TRUST (Page 223)

You don’t have to go the “shock and awe” route to build yourself a trusting audience. But you do need to find your own version of authentic, value-based content that is uniquely you, and infused with GVAC—my shorthand for those critical traits generosity, vulnerability, accountability, and candor. (Page 224)

ultimately it’s your humanity that makes people care to listen. And it’s your admission that you, too, are human, that makes them trust you about everything else. (Page 225)

In analog human relations, fear creates risk avoidance, which means the avoidance of putting yourself out there to give generously, to be candid, to show accountability, to come face-to-face with another person, to give of yourself in whatever measure to him or her, and so to run the risk of rejection. Online, good content has the same risks—embarrassment, rejection, etc.— but also the same potential rewards: connection, laughter, even love. Your challenge is to fearlessly put it out there. (Page 225)

The messages you send out into the world need to be in language that matters. Tell people how you’re solving a problem they already know they have. Putting yourself in your reader’s shoes and responding to their needs is generous—and it will also get you read. (Page 228)

Every Headline Is a Pitch (Page 229)

Dan Pink, in his book To Sell Is Human, tells us that the best subject lines tease one of two human needs: Utility or Curiosity. (Page 229)

Whenever Possible, Co-Create (Page 231)

Inviting others to co-create gives them an opportunity to be part of something, a community effort. You’d be surprised how satisfying that is. In fact, I think it’s half the reason that crowd-sourcing platforms like Kickstarter have been so successful. (Page 231)

One thing to remember when it comes to co-creation: Never is it more important that you follow through (see Accountability, below). You can’t engage people’s efforts and passion and then spit the bit. (Page 231)

Vulnerability Being brave enough to be vulnerable in person is hard enough. But at least if you make an ass of yourself, the moment is over quickly. Making yourself vulnerable online feels even more risky. Don’t let that put you off. Think of it this way: The last thing you want to be in a competitive marketplace is replaceable. You want to be uniquely you, by definition irreplaceable, and the only way to do that is to risk putting yourself out there. (Page 232)

One easy way to explore vulnerability is to blend your personal and professional messaging. (Page 232)

Blend anecdotes with utility. (Page 232)

Go public with failure. (Page 232)

Mug for the camera. (Page 233)

Put some thought into your profile photos, by far the most desirable real estate on your page. Do you need a professional headshot? If you can afford a good photographer, go for it. If not, don’t sweat it. The most successful LinkedIn photo is a crisp, vivid shot of your head and shoulders that conveys life and energy. Ask friends to weigh in—we don’t always recognize the perfect photo when we see it. (Page 233)

Accountability Accountability is about more than living up to promises and holding others to the same. It’s also about taking up a bold position and staying the course in the face of criticism or fear. Take away accountability, and generosity, candor, and vulnerability lose their potency fast. But what does it mean to be accountable when it comes to your content? (Page 235)

Become Your Own Editor in Chief (Page 236)

Consistency helps readers engage. That’s why you should think like an editor when feeding your online outposts. Create an editorial schedule of what kind of content you’ll post and when, and you’ll quickly find that providing some structure to your efforts makes it a lot easier to be accountable to your plans to communicate through social media. (Page 236)

Keep Your Selves in Sync (Page 237)

Online is a terrific space for exploration, experimentation, and even aspiration. As Chris Brogan once said to me, try writing your LinkedIn profile for the job you want to have, not the job you have. But the creative freedom in this world where image and identity seem so pliable can also lead to confusion, and to missteps. (Page 237)

What’s at risk is your integrity. Once you’ve projected yourself into the public space, digital or real, and especially if you’ve emerged as a leader, people become invested in the “you” they know from all your prior content. You have to be accountable to that, and when it changes—and of course it will—gently and respectfully bring them up to speed. (Page 238)

A new business, a new channel, or new advisors can’t mean new values. (Page 238)

There are no excuses. (Page 238)

You are 100 percent responsible for anything that has your name on it. (Page 238)

Make the rules of your relationships clear, and stick to the rules, always. (Page 239)

When you mess up, come clean. (Page 239)

Candor (Page 240)

Say what no one else will. (Page 240)

People are desperate for authenticity. Everywhere you look today there’s someone lying about something, some organization glossing over the truth, some person not telling it like it is. (Page 240)

When you make honesty a habit, controversy is never far away. But for every person someone like Altucher or Olson has alienated, ten more are drawn in. Magnetism isn’t the only value of honesty. The level of (Page 240)

transparency these guys are bringing to their endeavors ensures they’re always receiving a healthy level of feedback. (Page 241)

Create virtual immediacy. (Page 241)

A little spontaneity goes a long way. Of course, the ability to be spontaneous and relaxed while on a webcam might not come naturally at first—so create opportunities to practice. Videoconferencing or virtualchatting with family and friends is a good place to start. (Page 241)

Grope, Fail, Adapt. Repeat. (Page 241)

CHAPTER 24 Engineering Serendipity (Page 243)

Roizen shaped her own serendipity by: • Being open to opportunities delivered by chance. • Creating a network so broad that it was an incubator of the unexpected. • Planting herself firmly at the geographic center of the technology community. • Becoming a highly visible leader in associations and philanthropic organizations, giving rise to the kinds of situations where the most fruitful, generous relationships are borne—where information flows free and people trust one another enough to help one another. (Page 246)

Master the art of serendipity and you’ll open crucial channels to rich flows of knowledge and opportunities. Your first step is to constantly ask yourself: How can I foster juxtapositions of really smart people who would normally never have the opportunity to talk to one another but if they did would create amazing value? (Page 247)

Be Where It’s At (Page 248)

Researchers call these talent hubs “spikes,” and they keep happening even though technology has made it possible to have employees all over the world. People correctly sense that being in the thick of it pays off in the way of more opportunity. (Page 248)

Let Diversity Find You (Page 249)

A recent study at MIT showed that productivity and innovation in urban areas track with population growth. As scientist Wei Pan told the Smithsonian magazine, “What really happens when you move to a big city is you get to know a lot of different people, although they are not necessarily your friends. These are the people who bring different ideas, bring different opportunities and meetings with other great people that may help you.” (Page 249)

Create a Force Field (Page 251)

Consider putting location-based social media on the serendipity beat. I’ve had more than one spontaneous meeting because I tweeted my location and someone said, “Hey, I’m three blocks away, let’s have coffee.” I’m often asked to advise new social technology start-ups, and the power of companies like Foursquare and Here on Biz to create this kind of unplanned interaction is clear. (Page 251)

Make an effort to frequent not just any spaces, but the ones where people are open to interacting—bars, coffee shops, and the other “third spaces” where people look for community outside of their family or office. You’ve got to exhibit body language that says, “Talk to me.” That means ungluing your eyeballs and your thumbs from your iPhone. (Page 251)

Passion Is a Possibility Engine (Page 252)

Remember, your ideas don’t have to be perfectly refined to reel in fellow enthusiasts. All you have to do is engage people—and chances are, those people will have questions and answers that you could never have imagined, pushing you further. (Page 252)

Operational Mind-Set: Optimism (Page 253)

The key is in adopting the attitude that this effort isn’t a distraction or even a diversion, but is, in fact, contingent on your success. In the book Heart, Smarts, Guts, and Luck, my old friend Tony Tjan and his coauthors studied people they called “Luck Dominant,” and found that 86 percent of them credited their success to “being open to new things and people.” (Page 254)

The future is dynamic and not fully in your control. Celebrate that fact instead of fighting it, and life gets a lot more interesting. Keep your eyes open, be humble and generous, and save time and attention for the spontaneous, the quirky, and the left field. (Page 254)

Make It Matter by Learning and Doing (Page 255)

So get busy. Take all your new contacts, all that data, and take action. Establish communities of passion, and create opportunities for collaboration. Gather up all those smart people in a process of simultaneous learning and doing. Create or join projects that involve important segments of your network, and put the right people in the right context to have the right conversations in the service of actually making or doing something relevant to your goals—and also to theirs. (Page 255)

Create opportunities for supportive, in-person encounters by attending workshops and conferences where you’ll be surrounded by people who share not just your values but your interests. Surround yourself with genius. Focus less on “to-dos” and more on “tomeets.” And finally, whenever you can, attract and reward mentors not just with gratitude but by demonstrating success. (Page 256)

SECTION 5 (Page 257)

Trading Up and Giving Back (Page 258)

CHAPTER 25 Be Interesting (Page 259)

Have you mentioned in conversation your large jazz collection, or the time you spent in Ivory Coast, or your contrarian views on some political debate? Squeeze a little time into your schedule to keep up with what’s going on in the world. Pay attention to interesting tidbits you hear or read in your feed, and work to remember them so that you can pass them on to people you meet. Get a daily subscription to the New York Times or the Wall Street Journal. Remember, people don’t only hire people they like, they hire people who they think can make them and their companies better. That means someone with an expanded view of the world. It means you need to be aware of your intellectual property and what you have to say that others might benefit from. It shows you’re interested and involved in the world around you. (Page 260)

Become an Expert: Have a Unique Point of View (Page 262)

They Can’t Outsource Content Creators (Page 267)

We’ve seen how content helped transform a company into a recognizable brand. But what if you are the brand? What’s your expertise? What hooks are you selling? The same process we used to figure out how to make YaYa interesting to the marketplace can be applied to making you interesting to your network and beyond. (Page 267)

Content creators have always been in high demand. They get promotions. They’re responsible for the Big Ideas. They’re regularly asked to speak at conferences and are featured in newspapers and magazines. Everyone within their company—and many within their industry—knows their name. They are the celebrities of their little worlds, and their fame comes from always seeming to be one step ahead. (Page 267)

1. Get out in front and analyze the trends and opportunities on the cutting edge. (Page 269)

Early adaptors, trend spotters, knowledge brokers, change agents, and all those who know where their industry is heading and what next big ideas are coming down the pike have become the stars of the business world. (Page 269)

Identify the people in your industries who always seem to be out in front, and use all the relationship skills you’ve acquired to connect with them. (Page 269)

2. Ask seemingly stupid questions. (Page 269)
3. Know yourself and your talents. (Page 270)

The trick is not to work obsessively on the skills and talents you lack, but to focus and cultivate your strengths so that your weaknesses matter less. I’d apply the 80/20 rule, in that you should spend some time getting better at your weaknesses but really focus on building your strengths (Page 270)

4. Always learn. (Page 270)
5. Stay healthy. (Page 270)
6. Expose yourself to unusual experiences. (Page 271)

Take a deep and boundless curiosity about things outside your own profession and comfort zone. (Page 271)

7. Don’t get discouraged. (Page 271)
8. Know the new technology. (Page 271)
9. Develop a niche. (Page 272)
10. Follow the money. (Page 272)

In an economy that values emotions over numbers, storytellers have the edge. (Page 275)

CHAPTER 26 Build Your Brand (Page 276)

Regardless of age, regardless of position, regardless of the business we happen to be in, all of us need to understand the importance of branding. We are CEOs of our own companies: Me Inc. To be in business today, our most important job is to be head marketer for the brand called You. —Tom Peters (Page 276)

Image and identity have become increasingly important in our new economic order. With the digital sea swelling in sameness and overwhelmed in information, a powerful brand—built not on a product but on a personal message, defined through content—has become a competitive advantage. (Page 276)

Good personal brands do three highly significant things for your network of contacts: They provide a credible, distinctive, and trustworthy identity. (Page 276)

Within a network, your brand can do something similar. It establishes your worth. It takes your mission and content and broadcasts it to the world. It articulates what you have to offer, why you’re unique, and gives a distinct reason for others to connect with you. (Page 277)

It’s what Peters calls the “white-collar revolution.” A confluence of factors —including a streamlining of business processes, technology that replaces jobs, an increase in outsourcing to foreign countries, and an age of entrepreneurialism where more and more people see themselves as free agents—are combining in such a way that Peters predicts over 90 percent of all white-collar jobs will be radically different or won’t exist at all in ten to fifteen years. He says, “You must think of your job, your department, your division as a self-contained ‘Inc.’ You must do WOW projects.” (Page 277)

There are a whole lot of road maps out there these days to selfincorporated wow-ness. But the maps often rely more on intuition than navigation. The key generally comes down to a few simple things: Shake things up! Find your value! Obsess on your image! Turn everything into an opportunity to build your brand. (Page 279)

Develop a Personal Branding Message (PBM) (Page 280)

Your PBM comes from your content/unique value proposition, as we discussed in the last chapter, and a process of self-evaluation. It involves finding out what’s really in a name—your name. It calls for you to identify your uniqueness and how you can put that uniqueness to work. It’s not a specific task so much as the cultivation of a mind-set. (Page 280)

What do you want people to think when they hear or read your name? What product or service can you best provide? Take your skills, combine them with your passions, and find out where in the market, or within your own company, they can best be applied. (Page 280)

Your positioning message should include a list of words that you want people to use when referring to you. Writing those words down is a big first step in having others believe them. Ask your most trusted friends what words they would use to describe you, for good and for bad. Ask them what are the most important skills and attributes you bring to the table. (Page 280)

Package the Brand (Page 281)

There is one general, overarching caveat in this step: Stand out! Style matters. Whether you like it or not, clothing, letterheads, hairstyles, business cards, office space, and conversational style are noticed—big time. The design of your brand is critical. Buy some new clothes. Take an honest look at how you present yourself. Ask others how they see you. How do you wish to be seen? (Page 281)

We’ve already talked about fine-tuning your social media profiles. Why not create a personal website as well? A website is a terrific and cheap marketing tool for your brand, and a great way to force you to clearly articulate who you are. With a good-looking site, you look as polished and professional as any major corporation on the Internet. (Page 281)

Broadcast Your Brand (Page 282)

You’ve got to become your own PR firm, as I’ll talk about in the next chapter. Take on the projects no one wants at work. Never ask for more pay until after you’ve been doing the job successfully and become invaluable. Get on convention panels. Write articles for online publications and company newsletters. Send e-mails filled with creative ideas to your CEO. Design your own Me Inc. brochure. (Page 282)

CHAPTER 27 Broadcast Your Brand (Page 283)

I can hear the groans of discomfort already stirring. You may be thinking, “I’m shy. I don’t like to talk about myself. Isn’t modesty a virtue?” Well, I can assure you that if you hide your accomplishments, they’ll remain hidden. If you don’t promote yourself, however graciously, no one else will. (Page 284)

Well, I can assure you that if you hide your accomplishments, they’ll remain hidden. If you don’t promote yourself, however graciously, no one else will. (Page 284)

Strategy One: Pop the Bubble (Page 285)

If you want to burst through someone’s invisible bubble and grab their attention, you need to create content that gets shared, and preferably reshared, and then shared some more. (Page 285)

Go Visual (Page 285)

Caring Is Sharing (Page 286)

Although positive emotions are better overall than negative ones, mostly people like to be “aroused.” This includes positive emotions— awe, amusement, joy—but also some negative ones, like anger—things that rile us up, fill us with vitriol. In short, caring is sharing, so ditch your milquetoast posts and say something that matters. (Page 286)

Curation, Not Creation (Page 286)

pay attention to the conversation that’s already in process. (Page 286)

Strategy Two: Manipulate the Media (Page 287)

The key is to view the exposure of your brand as a PR campaign. How are you going to get your message out there? How are you going to make sure that the message gets out the way you want it to get out? Sure, your network is a good start. Everyone you meet and everyone you talk to should know what you do, why you’re doing it, and how you can do it for him or her. But why not broadcast that same message to a thousand networks across the country? (Page 287)

You Are Your Own Best PR Representative (Page 294)

Know the Media Landscape (Page 295)

Think Small (Page 297)

Go local first. Start a database of newspapers and magazines in your area that might be interested in your content. (Page 297)

Master the Art of the Sound Bite (Page 299)

CHAPTER 28 Getting Close to Power (Page 307)

Newt Gingrich, the famous Republican politician and all-about-Washington gadfly, is known to tell a story about a lion and a field mouse. A lion, he says, can use his prodigious hunting skills to capture a field mouse with relative ease anytime he wants, but at the end of the day, no matter how many mice he’s ensnared, he’ll still be starving. (Page 307)

Are you only connecting with field mice? If you are, start turning your attention to reaching out to the sort of important people who can make a difference in your life and the lives of others. The kind of people who can make you, and your network, sparkle. (Page 307)

Young Presidents’ Organization (YPO) (Page 312)

Political Fund-Raisers (Page 313)

Conferences (Page 314)

Nonprofit Boards (Page 315)

Sports (Especially Golf) (Page 316)

Online (Page 318)

CHAPTER 29 Build It and They Will Come (Page 319)

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. —Jane Howard (Page 319)

CHAPTER 30 Never Give In to Hubris (Page 327)

Looking back now, I’m appreciative of the experience. I learned some valuable lessons. For one, I had to begin the journey to change my leadership style. It wasn’t enough to get things done. You had to get things done and make the people around you feel involved, and not just part of the process but part of the leadership. I learned that commitments weren’t commitments unless everyone involved knew what was on the table with absolute clarity. I learned how truly small the world is, especially the world of the rich and powerful. (Page 330)

Most important, I learned that arrogance is a disease that can betray you into forgetting your real friends and why they’re so important. Even with the best of intentions, too much hubris will stir up other people’s ire and their desire to put you in your place. (Page 330)

CHAPTER 31 Find Mentors, Find Mentees. Repeat (Page 332)

No process in history has done more to facilitate the exchange of information, skills, wisdom, and contacts than mentoring. (Page 333)

Mentoring is a very deliberate activity that requires people to check their ego at the door, hold back from resenting other people’s success, and consciously strive to build beneficial relationships whenever the opportunity arises. (Page 336)

The best way to approach utility is to give help first, and not ask for it. If there is someone whose knowledge you need, find a way to be of use to that person. Consider their needs and how you can assist them. If you can’t help them specifically, perhaps you can contribute to their charity, company, or community. You have to be prepared to give back to your mentors and have them know that from the outset. Before Pat would consider having dinner (Page 338)

with me three times a year, he had to know that I would be committed to his firm. That’s how I found myself so early on in a trusted position that later turned into a friendship. (Page 339)

CHAPTER 32 Balance Is B.S. (Page 343)

For me, the best thing about a relationship-driven career is that it isn’t a career at all. It’s a way of living. (Page 344)

More People, More Balance (Page 345)

I think the problem in today’s world isn’t that we have too many people in our lives, it’s that we don’t have enough. Dr. Will Miller and Glenn Sparks, in their book Refrigerator Rights: Creating Connections and Restoring Relationships, argue that with our increased mobility, American emphasis on individualism, and the overwhelming online distractions available to us, we lead lives of relative isolation. How many people can walk into our homes and just open up the fridge and help themselves? Not many. People need “refrigerator rights relationships,” the kind that are comfortable, informal, and intimate enough to let us walk into one another’s kitchens and rummage through the refrigerator without asking. It is close relationships like these that keep us well adjusted, happy, and successful. (Page 345)

I think the problem in today’s world isn’t that we have too many people in our lives, it’s that we don’t have enough. Dr. Will Miller and Glenn Sparks, in their book Refrigerator Rights: Creating Connections and Restoring Relationships, argue that with our increased mobility, American emphasis on individualism, and the overwhelming online distractions available to us, we lead lives of relative isolation. (Page 345)

America’s focus on individualism works against reaching out to others. Comparative studies on levels of job stress and worker dissatisfaction show that people of individualistic cultures typically report much higher stress levels than do the people who work in more community-oriented cultures. In (Page 345)

spite of our high standard of living, wealth and privilege haven’t produced emotional well-being. Instead, as these studies show, it’s a sense of belonging that brings us happiness. (Page 346)

When our lonely lives catch up with us, we turn to self-help literature for answers, but it isn’t self-help we need, I’d argue, it’s help from others. If you buy this, and I hope that you do, then what I teach in this book is the perfect antidote to all this talk of imbalance. Connecting is that rare thing that lets us have our cake and eat it, too. We end up serving the interests of both our work and our life, ourselves and others. (Page 346)

CHAPTER 33 Welcome to the Connected Age (Page 347)

We human beings are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others’ actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others’ activities. For this reason, it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others. —the Dalai Lama (Page 347)

Rugged individualism may have ruled for much of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries. But community and alliances will rule in the twenty-first century. (Page 347)

The single best predictor of college success had nothing to do with any metric we associate with (Page 347)

collegiate achievement, now or then. It wasn’t GPA, SAT scores, or a number of any kind for that matter. It was, instead, the ability of a student to create or to join a study group. (Page 348)

Revolutions Begin in Unlikely Places (Page 349)

Life is about work, work is about life, and both are about people. “The most exciting breakthrough of the twenty-first century will occur not because of technology, but because of an expanding concept of what it means to be human,” said the futurist John Naisbitt. (Page 349)

As noted author and speaker Rabbi Harold Kushner once wisely wrote, “Our souls are not hungry for fame, comfort, wealth, or power. Those rewards create almost as many problems as they solve. Our souls are hungry for meaning, for the sense that we have figured out how to live so that our lives matter, so the world will at least be a little bit different for our having passed through it.” (Page 350)

If you commit yourself to finding your passion, that blue flame, it’s interesting how that commitment is rewarded with answers. The answers that came to me after all that meditation helped me to reevaluate my pursuit of prestige and money and refocus on what I’ve always known matters most: relationships. (Page 351)

“Young lovers seek perfection. Old lovers sew shreds together and see beauty in the multiplicity of patches.” (Page 352)

But first be honest with yourself. How much time are you ready to spend on reaching out and giving before you get? How many mentors do you have? How many people have you mentored? (Page 353)